Signs, Portents, and Faith

I sometimes worry if I'm going to have something to write about, but so far, the universe has kindly provided me material whenever I asked for it! This week, I'm talking about signs, signs, everywhere signs! (Enjoy the earworm!)

Recently, I thought I was pregnant. I wasn't; in fact, I actually misread the pregnancy test. (My excuse: it has been a long time since I had to take one and in the interim I forgot it was a plus/minus and not a line/no line. Also, I haven't slept through the night more than ten times in over two years. I am not an idiot, I swear! *deep breath*) ANYWAY, I was surprised that I was actually happy at the thought of being pregnant; I've been very, very done since my second son was born. Suddenly, I was downright sad that I wasn't about to have a third child. What the heck? Well, of course, several of my nearest and dearest were also quite excited by the whole thing. My spouse was also suprised by his equanimity in the face of what should, by rights, have felt like a Really Awful Thing. And then, while I had been wondering what would happen, a feather had drifted into my house, which seemed a positive sign to me.

So, all this added up to a question: Should we take this as a sign to try again? It is certainly NOT a logical course of action; we were both utterly content until this came up, my spouse felt like he could easily be utterly content again, we are barely surviving financially as it is, I have a serious feminine health issue that could complicate things...and, btw, we have always struggled with serious infertility and I've had four miscarriages...not to mention that I felt bad about adding to the earth's overpopulation problem to start with! But...

That word can be such a doozy, can't it? But. It felt right. I knew I would always wonder if we didn't try. And then there was the kicker: Did I trust the universe to know what it was doing? (Yes, I don't believe in a sentient, autonomous deity, but I do believe that...everything sort of shapes and affects everything else in these ridiculously complicated and subtle ways that somehow add up to a strange sort of semi-sentient flow of things. Or something. Language has its limits!)

I have been getting a lot of lessons in the value of being open to letting this Other Thing take the lead sometimes. My entire practice as an auspex, as I've mentioned before, is an act of reception and interpretation, of wandering through the darkness, waving my hands around, and trying to sort out the shapes my hands occasionally encounter. Perhaps this was another of those lessons. Perhaps, as I said to my friends, the universe and I needed to work on our trust issues.

So we decided to try; my spouse was willing to jump fully on board if I asked, and we all agreed that trying through the end of the year made perfect sense; this is the time I've gotten pregnant before, this whole thing is about endings and beginnings, real or artificial, and, again, it just felt right.

It's been a week since we stopped preventing. Friday, we took the boys to the zoo. While we were there, every time I stopped and looked down, there was a feather. I didn't feel an urge to pick any of them up until the last one, which was a feather from the body of a peacock. That one, I picked up and put in my pocket, only to discover it had fallen out before I got home, and to feel completely fine with that.

What, then, does this sign mean? Was this the universe telling me that I did the right thing, but that, in the end, I wouldn't be bringing someone home with me? That's what I think it meant, but I won't know till the end of the year if I was right! In the meantime, I am deeply grateful for this lesson in letting go, in letting the magic happen...or not...as it will.

In many ways, I am a deeply logical, skeptical person and there are many, many times when I wonder whether all this is a giant load of meaningless hooey; if I, and many others, are simply using our clever brains to make meaning where none exists. In the end, I freely admit that's entirely possible. If it's ever proved, I'll sure have egg on my face! But...(there's that word again!)...But I can't help, somehow, but believe in these things that have come to me unbidden, unexpected, even unwanted, and bring such joy, purpose, fascination and fulfillment to my life.

I've never been completely without faith; I've always believed in the fundamental goodness of humanity, for example. It seems, however, that I have begun, quite without meaning to, a journey into the heart of faith. I had not fully realized the level of my distrust, and I am finding myself suddenly free of it, and there's nothing I enjoy more than freedom.

This bird's gotta fly.

Comments

[Ar-wahan]

Lovely! May I share it with Alison (my UU minister)? Not for her use, but because she will enjoy it. Plus, of course, "In many ways, I am a deeply logical, skeptical person and there are many, many times when I wonder whether all this is a giant load of meaningless hooey" is me . . .

[Jenny S.]

You can share with anyone and everyone; I need a readership! :)
And I know. I remember that was the main reason we connected to start with!