I was reading the April issue of Good Housekeeping magazine (my grandmother passes her issues on to me), and I came across an article titled, "How to Save a Marriage", by Amy Finley. It's a decent article, but the bit of great wisdom in it was this:
(She and her husband went to France and holed up in a friend's out-of-the-way place to reconnect.)
"France was something that Greg and I shared — not just our memories of it, but our appreciation of it. It was a kind of glue for us, and that gave us a foundation for changing our behavior. For another couple, the glue could be faith, nature, a love of great books.
One of the glories of marriage is the collective out-loud dreaming: staying up all night talking about your hopes and plans for the future. Though the term "intimacy" has become conflated with that other awesome form of staying up all night together — sex — this is true intimacy: trusting, sharing. When you're falling apart as a couple, look for the glue."
First, for the record, sex could be the glue, too, or part of it, anyway. But, aside from that, I think this is a crucial question to ask and to answer.
The first thing I did was attempt to answer it for myself and Tom, my spouse. Right away, I knew it would be a little tricky, because he and I are radically different people in many, many ways. But just as quickly, I thought about how we both have this drive to go forward, to sieze life and really live it, as tumultuous as that can sometimes be. That night, I asked Tom what he thought. After a few minutes of thought, he said, "Passion." He went on to say that he didn't mean just our sexual passion, though it is considerable and a big part of our relationship from the start, but, generally, that we are passionate, and I agreed. We both are very passionate people, and, of course, that ties in with my immediate thoughts about our forward-driven, seizing life approach, something that is hardly possible without a certain amount of passion. So that is our glue, and it is powerful enough to overcome, well, pretty much anything; trust me, we've tested it!
This concept can apply not just to romantic relationships, but friends, family, and even co-workers; looking for the thing that you can share, really share, can provide a base from which to negotiate almost any difficulty. Start with what binds you, focus on that, go back to it over and over, and you'll find a path through most challenges.
Even if you aren't facing challenges, if you and your best friend are getting along swimmingly as always, asking this question can enhance and deepen your relationship, even help you see how you can help each other thrive even more.
What is your glue?
That's true for my husband and me, too. It's not any particular "thing", because, like you and Tom, we have very different interests. It's our *attitude* toward life. We are committed to making a better situation for ourselves, by our own efforts and fueled by not much more than sheer determination (although this is temporarily taking second place to my recovery).
Posted by: Acelightning | 04/10/2011 at 07:49 PM