Crackin' Wise

Change and Stability

Humans are complex and far more mutable than we are comfortable with admitting most of the time, not least because while our own mutability can be freeing, mutability in others can be genuinely frightening. In a dangerous and changeable world, we crave something to hold on to; we need stability. Without it, we are left continually, frantically re-evaluating and unable to progress. Yet, without change, without the new, we cannot progress either; our  adaptability is perhaps our greatest strength as a species. As with all things, the key is balance. Remember to hold the hands of those who love you and whom you love as you change, so they may come with you; we, none of us, are on this journey alone. 

What They Said.

While struggling to decide how to share my story about depression and suicide, a lot of people shared stuff that I identified with. I will eventually tell my personal story, but today I think I'm going to share the wisdom of others.

Love, we're told, heals all wounds. Love makes the world go round. Love is the holy balm, the essence of life itself. And I would say yes to all of these statements... yes, but. Yes, but there are limits to love. I believe in love. And I also believe in luck....

But here's the thing: People are mentally ill all the time. People are depressed all the time. Even if people are not actively experiencing a mental health crisis, they're living with mental health conditions. Mental illness is not something you get over or heal from. It's something you manage, to varying degrees, and it's always part of your life, and it expresses in varied ways.

Suicide is not a weak decision. It is a decision that takes an incredible amount of strength to make, actually. Someone isn’t weak if they end their life. They are desperate. There is a difference. It’s okay to feel angry at the person for dying. It’s okay to question, to rail against the forces that caused this. But it isn’t weakness. Mental illness isn’t weakness. It’s a disease, a pervasive, sometimes awful disease. The person doesn’t deserve anger and skepticism forever. They deserve compassion. Their family deserves compassion.

For Robin Williams to have lived with his demons for an indeterminable length of time is truly heroic. He has formed an enormously successful career, held down the day job, worked through relationships with people, drugs and alcohol, parented, been public, been private, all whilst wearing the enormous coat of depression. It is an enormous task. It can be like holding a tsunami, using every fibre in every muscle not to give in to its strength. That takes equal strength. It takes superpower! He has held the tsunami for year upon year. He held it back trying to prevent it from taking him under and instead of saying "poor guy, it got him", perhaps we should be saying "Oh my god, what a hero! He held that tsunami for so long, he held it away from people as much as he could, some people got sprayed, some got soaked, but millions felt the sun instead of the water, he held it on his back and he did it for years."

Suicide is a decision made out of desperation, hopelessness, isolation and loneliness. The black hole that is clinical depression is all-consuming. Feeling like a burden to loved ones, feeling like there is no way out, feeling trapped and feeling isolated are all common among people who suffer from depression.

People who say that suicide is selfish always reference the survivors. It's selfish to leave children, spouses and other family members behind, so they say. They're not thinking about the survivors, or so they would have us believe. What they don't know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the soul-crushing depression that envelops them leaves them feeling like there is no alternative. Like the only way to get out is to opt out. And that is a devastating thought to endure.

Until you've stared down that level of depression, until you've lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness... you don't get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your own feelings, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won't help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt others.

Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.

― Sally Brampton, *Shoot The Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression*

"None of us can truly know what we mean to other people, and none of us can know what our future self will experience. History and philosophy ask us to remember these mysteries, to look around at friends, family, humanity, at the surprises life brings — the endless possibilities that living offers — and to persevere. There is love and insight to live for, bright moments to cherish, and even the possibility of happiness, and the chance of helping someone else through his or her own troubles. Know that people, through history and today, understand how much courage it takes to stay. Bear witness to the night side of being human and the bravery it entails, and wait for the sun. If we meditate on the record of human wisdom we may find there reason enough to persist and find our way back to happiness. The first step is to consider the arguments and evidence and choose to stay. After that, anything may happen. First, choose to stay."
- Jennifer Michael Hecht

Be kind. Be gentle. Love each other.

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Forlorn Corn!

A Surprising Gratitude

So, when I started my Facebook account, I decided that I would use it to post a daily gratitude. I had a friend who did them and I always enjoyed that about her; I thought FB was a perfect format for it. I was right; my practice has continued for years now and it makes a real difference in my life. But that's not what today's post is about. Today, I'm moving my gratitude here because I need just a bit more room and a bit more permanence for this one.

For much of the last couple of weeks, our life felt a like the inside of a pinball machine. My husband severely sprained his ankle while on a business trip to the other side of the world and developed a clot (also known as a DVT) on the flight home. We were in and out of the hospital several times over a matter of days. It was not fun. While I am slightly worried about jinxing myself, things have finally calmed down. My husband is stable enough to return to work, although he can't drive yet, so I drove him to work this morning. Yes, this is all backstory, and, yes, there are many gratitudes in there that I haven't mentioned, but I have thought of them!

On my trip back home, I found myself listening to a song that was, gently and soulfully, expressing dismay about the frequency of divorce these days. As I listened, I felt for the artist's pain in watching marriage after marriage fail. And then I had a thought and today's gratitude was born.

I am grateful for divorce.

"What?!", I expect some of you are thinking. The thought even passed through my mind for a split second till I began to explain to myself and things started making sense, so keep reading and we'll see how well I get this out of my head.

It is important to know some things about me. My parents were happily married till the day my father died (so it's not because I'm a damaged or bitter child of divorce). I am, as I mentioned, happily married myself. It is our first marriage; no divorce in my history or his. We have, in fact, been married for almost 18 years. It is generally observed that we are a pretty inseparable couple; people have even been known to do that thing where they squish our names together because we are such a unit. That didn't come naturally, by the way; it was a conscious and deliberate choice on both our parts to shape our lives so that we always came towards each other rather than away. This was in part because we are very different people in a lot of ways. The most compelling aspect of our early relationship was our off-the-charts chemistry; just the sort of thing that usually spells disaster (I was even fresh out of another relationship!), and we knew it. Our courtship was passionate, brief, and tumultuous. My husband-to-be was sure I was The One; I was...dramatically more skeptical. But down the aisle we went and, unlike the fairy tales, things just got more complicated from there.

In the course of our eighteen year relationship (I told you it was a brief courtship), we have been through many, many things that are often cited as a cause of divorce; infertility, infidelity, dishonesty, a child with a disability, major financial problems. I've walked out on him, he's walked out on me. There were a couple of times where our relationship held on by the slenderest thread. That said, we have never not loved each other deeply and passionately; we've only been reduced to wishing we didn't a time or a two. Everything we have been through has made us better and stronger.

So when I say I'm grateful for divorce, you can be sure it's not because I think marriage should be easy or because I don't appreciate that going through the hard stuff can deepen your relationship.

I'm grateful for divorce because everyone should be able to have a marriage like mine.

My husband was in China for nine days. Two months ago, he was there for two weeks. That's a lot of time apart for us and, while we endured the first one with relative equanimity, this second time was pretty much pure agony. We were on fire to be reunited, only to end up in an emergency room with barely time for one kiss.

In the last several days, I have been reminded again and again just how deep and passionate our relationship is, and seen it grow even deeper and more passionate as my husband (who is generally a very healthy person) gets a look into what it's like to live with pain and limitation, which I do on a daily basis. He keeps saying he doesn't know how I be me. That makes me smile and love him more, of course, because, in all these years, he's never given me a hard time because of my limitations, even though I know they frustrated him sometimes.

I could go on, but what I'm trying to say is that we have a love for the ages; the kind of thing books are written and movies are filmed about; a sweep you off your feet epic kind of thing. Not because we are particularly special, but because we got lucky and found each other and knew we had something worth keeping.

Divorce allows people who have made a mistake the freedom to correct it.

While my husband came from a relatively quiet dating history, I had, in fact, been engaged twice before. In both cases, a slightly different series of events could have led to me being stuck in a marriage that would, at best, be mediocre and probably miserable, especially if I didn't live in a time and place where divorce was a feasible option.

I am glad I didn't have to go through a divorce to learn what not to do, but there are plenty of people who aren't so lucky. I think of my own children, who aren't even on the cusp of puberty yet, and I imagine how I would feel if either of them were stuck in a marriage that was not even bad, but just meh. My heart would break for them. No one should have to settle for "meh"; this is not to say that one never should; sometimes that just the thing for someone, but they shouldn't have to.

I am grateful for divorce because it opens the door to a better, brighter future in ways we haven't even begun to imagine.

I empathize with the song I was listening to; it is sad when marriages end, even when you are just observing it, because relationships are complex and far reaching in many ways and because people of good heart always root for true love.

But I think we are in a transitional period. I think human beings are learning, as a species, what it is that makes a relationship worth keeping. It may take us as long as a couple of centuries, but we are finding our way to the place where everyone ends up in the relationship (or relationships) that are right for them. Imagine what a world would be like where that was true; where everyone, everyone, was in a relationship as deep, as passionate, as beautiful as mine (and maybe yours). Imagine the magnitude of joy that would permeate the world. Imagine how fulfilled and at peace we would be in our hearts. Imagine the gift that divorce could ultimately bring to us as a species.

I am grateful that I got to start imagining that gift, that future this morning.

P.S. I am also grateful for the mind-bendingly awesome marriage that my husband and I have worked hard to build and maintain and will, all things being equal, enjoy till our (hopefully far in the future) dying day; inexpressibly grateful.

 

Spoon Magic

For those of you familiar with Spoon Theory (and if you aren't, she provides an explanatory link), a friend of mine pointed out this Spoon Spell. The author approaches spellcraft in a similar way to me.

Coping Ideas

Over on Dreamwidth (where I keep my bird oracle blog), someone by the handle of lizcommotion posted a Giant List of Cope. As she encouraged people to do, I'm going to snag and personalize it for myself. I think her format is definitely a keeper! Please share your coping ideas in the comments; we all need all the inspiration we can get!

Distraction (things that distract from the stressor/emotion)

• listen to comedy or old time radio
• play games (virtual or physical)
• immerse myself in someone else's problem(s)
• learn something new/research something
• photography
• exercise: dancing, walking, weight training, etc.
• birdwatching/treehugging
• gardening
• work/craft
• do my nails/take a bath
• clean/vacuum/dust/do laundry/etc.
  
• read, read, read
• read good news (goodnewsnetwork.com, dailygood.org, happynews.com, google "good news stories")
• go thrifting
• watch a TV show/movie

Expression (things that help externalize the feeling)

• journal/blog
• singing/listening to related music
• talk to someone I trust to listen without judging, even if that's my cat/dog/turtle/teddybear
• create/perform a ritual or ceremony
• consult tarot, oracle, runes, etc.
• consult books, sacred texts, even google, on the topic
• draw/collage/make art
• write poetry/fiction/a letter

Connection (things that help get support from others)

• phone/Skype a friend
• support group
• partner/family time
• moodscope.com or other mood charting and communicating method/resource
• call your therapist/psychiatrist
• invite a good friend over
• social networking online
• go to a temple/church/coven meeting or a social organization you are active in
• call a hotline

Meditation (things to help relax/stay grounded)

• deep breathing/meditation/guided meditation
• read on the topic of relaxing/staying grounded
• massage
• walk a labyrinth or other active meditation
• tarot or oracle reading
• light a candle
• create/perform a soothing ritual/ceremony
• hot shower/bath
• drink decaf/herbal tea slowly
• spend time in nature/garden
• yoga/stretching
• calmingmanatee.com, calm.com, or google "calming" or "calm"
• listen to relaxing music
• cuddle a pet or maybe a partner or child or friend

Oklahoma Tornadoes

 

This is a guest post by my dear friend Amy. It was written for her friends, and you'll notice a couple of signs of that, but this is such an excellent post on the topic of tornadoes that I thought it should see a wider audience. Read it and pass it around. No wisdom is so useful as practical wisdom.

Amy writes:

So, tornadoes being butts. I've said before: I like you, tornadoes, when you are frolicking out in fields in the middle of nowhere; I like you a lot less when you barrel into communities and kill people.

That said, this is so cynical, but yesterday I thought, “Well at least it’s not more people killing people,” after the steady barrage of shootings and terrorism we’ve been having throughout 2013 /:

Of course people are still finding human scapegoats for their emotions in the tragedy, like criticizing senators about how they are handling the budget for relief funds, and I’ve also heard a few people criticize the local schools for being open at all when there had been storm warnings all morning (apparently not realizing that in tornado country, if school is out of session whenever there is threat of a tornado, you might not have much of a spring semester), or questioning why schools aren't equipped with state-of-the-art storm shelters. (My bitter response on behalf of most rural American schools being: Yeah, we'll get on that. Right after we scrape up the money for textbooks that aren't from 1992). And of course there will always be that obnoxious fringe who will chalk it up to God’s wrath upon whatever they heck they find politically distasteful. (Or global warming, for that matter, as if Oklahoma hasn’t been Violent Tornado Central for centuries*). But I like to pretend those people don’t exist . . .

*Which is to say I believe the earth is warming, but I DON’T think it is to blame for every single weather disaster. Tornadoes showing up in weird places and/or at weird times of the year is one thing, but if you live in a tornado-prone area, you really can’t be all that shocked when there are tornadoes, nor that periodically some of them are severe.

On the bright side...

Actually, the way I see it, the human response to the storm was exactly right. The tornadoes came during the day when citizens were alert, and the National Weather Service was able to give 16 minutes’ advance warning to Moore (the hardest-hit community), longer than the current average of about 10 minutes’ warning and much longer than pre-1970s warnings that were barely better than looking outside and seeing the funnel cloud yourself. I’ve been reading so many reports of citizens who did exactly what they were supposed to, getting into basements or, in the absence of a basement, hunkering down in internal closets and bathrooms with mattresses and helmets as is recommended by experts-- which saved their lives. Miraculously, though service was spotty, cell phone reception remained stable enough to facilitate the rescue of many trapped survivors. Plaza Towers Elementary School is cited as having been one of the most structurally-sound buildings in the county and they followed school storm safety procedure to the T, and surely this is why the majority of children survived the direct hit. After reading a chilling soundbite that the Plaza Towers search and rescue was now to be considered a recovery mission (ie: they did not expect to recover any more living children, only bodies), initial projections of the death toll were substantially lowered overnight as more survivors were pulled from the wreckage. There is much to be thankful for.

On Sunday, while this was all just a vague prediction of stormy weather in the plains early in the week, I happened to watch a documentary about the 1974 Super Outbreak and the major changes in storm forecasting it precipitated like Doppler radar (they used to use old WWII physical radars and tracked storms by hand!), a vast connected network of National Weather Service prediction stations, a huge increase in civil warning sirens, and the widespread adoption of school tornado drills. I don’t even want to imagine the consequences of this storm in a pre-1970s world.

Of course, knowing that people responded just about the best they could also kind of makes it worse, since it highlights that no matter how well we prepare, nature still has the upper hand. Advance warnings can get people to basements and interior spaces, but in an EF4 or EF5, even a basement won’t necessarily save if you if the entire house goes right down on top of you. And as we saw with Joplin and the April 2011 outbreak in Alabama, triple-digit death tolls (such as surpass even the Super Outbreak) are still possible when humongous storms meet populated areas, especially when basements and cellars are not a common thing in the area due to the terrain. And even in the relatively small death toll of the Oklahoma outbreak, 24 dead is still 24 people (9 children!) whose loved ones will never see them again ):

Preparedness

Like I said, I think the people of Oklahoma did exactly what they were supposed to, but the importance of preparedness is worth repeating. Now that I live in earthquake country-- where by the time you know the disaster is coming, it’s already happening-- you can’t even imagine how much I envy the prospect of a 15-minute advance warning and having a reliable safe place to go in the first place! But I get frustrated with how flippant some people can be about storm watches and warnings* as if every time a siren goes off it’s some personal attack on their time, and not because they live in a tornado-prone area and, golly gee, sometimes there's a tornado and the community is doing them the service of warning them. I’m sure occasionally there is a false-positive tornado identification, but let’s be real here, you’d much rather be warned about a tornado that doesn’t not exist than not warned about one that ends up running over your house! And the verified tornado may be on the other side of the county, far away from you, but if there’s a tornado that close, even if that one doesn’t come up to visit it’s exponentially more likely another one could fall out of the sky on top of you. And is it really that much trouble to hang tight in your basement or closet until a warning is lifted? You know, in the interest of not dying? Bring your iPhone and play some goddamn Angry Birds for twenty minutes while you not die. Be honest with yourself, was what you were doing before the warning really that much more important? More important than not dying?

*Not to mention confused about their meanings and the advised course of action-- though that may be a flaw of the weather service for choosing ambiguous terms. (I know they're considering changing them?). A WATCH means there is no tornado, but conditions are likely, so keep an eye on the sky and weather updates, and get your bearings (know where everyone in the family is, don’t travel out too far from home or other safe spaces) in case conditions change rapidly. A WARNING means a tornado is on the ground somewhere in your county and you should take shelter immediately. It does not mean, like my sister once believed, that “A tornado warning is warning you about the tornado coming, and a tornado watch means you can actually watch the tornado.” Lol.

And for chrissakes if you’ve got several DAYS to get out of town in advance of a hurricane and everyone is telling you to GTFO . . . GTFO!


Pay attention to civil alert sirens. Know when there are scheduled tests so you can ignore them, but any time you hear it outside the scheduled time, pay attention! If you live somewhere outside earshot of civil warning sirens, invest in a weather radio or subscribe to severe weather alerts on your phone. Frankly it's a good idea to have a second way to check the weather no matter what the circumstances. Oldschool battery-powered radios are nothing to scoff at when power, cell, and Internet service could all be cut together.

If you live in tornado country and you’ve got an accessible choice between a residence with a basement (or cellar) and without, get the basement! XD Or get to know nearby neighbors and see about using theirs in an emergency. (But be reasonable; if you're considering dashing across a field to a distant neighbor in a rural area, or driving to a friend's all the way across town, you’re better off in your bathroom). If you don't have a basement, plan ahead about which interior closet or bathroom would be safest to ride out a storm. It sounds silly, but consider grabbing a bike helmet, especially for kids!

If you live in a mobile home, research shelter options in your area. The park may have its own designated shelter, or you may have use of a neighboring brick-and-mortar building for this purpose. Know that inside your mobile home is basically the worst place you can ride out a storm. Don't stay there. You're better off lying in a ditch. Literally.

If you live in an apartment, investigate the best place to go in a storm. Is there a basement? Is there a windowless space on the first floor? Can you make a friend on the first floor and hang out in their bathroom?

If you’re driving, if you can get out of your car and inside a sturdy building, do it. If there’s nothing around you and you’ve got enough distance, you may be able to evade a (small) tornado by driving away at a 90-degree angle to its path-- but by the time you see the tornado, it’s probably too late for this, especially if you can’t go off-road. Get out of the car and get away from it. It’s counterintuitive as fuck, but STAY OUT IN THE OPEN. Lie in a ditch (like the drainage ditches on the side of a highway) or as flat against the ground as you can. Do not hide in or under your car, which will likely be blown over or even picked up and thrown. Do not go under an overpass, where wind speeds will be as much as doubled by the windtunnel effect through the enclosed space.

Find out about the storm procedures at your child’s school. Do they practice storm drills? How soon into the school year and how often? Where are the safe places students directed to? Schools generally don’t have shelters or basements, so the safest place is an interior hallway-- no windows, no exterior doors, no glass-- on the main floor when possible. (A school I student-taught at had students on the third floor go to a hallway on the second because apparently there simply wasn’t enough room on the first. This kind of freaked me out!). Bathrooms are good, too. Gyms, cafeterias, and auditoriums-- large rooms with a wide, relatively unsupported ceiling-- are not. (My elementary school once put us in the gym and I was like WTF?). I read about one family in this tornado who actually pulled their kids out of school to bring them home for the storm. I wouldn't really advocate that, since you'd have to have the time to get there and back before the storm hit, time which you probably don't have-- but I will say I wouldn't think you were crazy if you kept a child from catching the bus to school or waited to leave home to drop them off if the weather looked super bad at the time.

If there's violent storms in your area, plan around them. If you feel like it could be dangerous, even if you're not *sure,* wait a while before you leave home or send family members out. Violent storms can sweep in very suddenly-- and are often over in just as long, so it's really not a huge inconvenience even if nothing dramatic goes down. Don't be on the road if you can help it. Keep the family together if possible, but don't try to travel to one another during the storm; plan ahead about ways to get in touch and safe places to meet if a disaster occurs when separated. Don't wait until an emergency is declared, but gather animals-- who are often difficult to corral in a panic-- into a safe place just in case.

You guys know I love to watch storms. But when I watch storms, I stick close to home, minutes from the safety of my basement. Because I love weather, I keep up to date with the progress of storms as a rule, even when they're still states away-- but I still jump when I hear that siren. Frankly the reason I still haven't seen a tornado is because I do play it safe; I missed seeing a funnel cloud drift over the lake because I was in the basement tracking updates from the weather service, exactly what experts agree I should have been doing. And I'm someone who knows a far bit about the anatomy of a tornadic storm and the safe place to be around a tornado (but still would like to learn more before I go out looking for one specifically!-- better get on that, since it's on my 26 before 27, lol). If you know very little about them, definitely your best bet is to do the safe thing and follow recommended advice about storm watches and warnings. Don't take the risk!

Ritual

I came across a nice little article on ritual today. In short, ritual works to reduce anxiety, stress, grief, and more. Ritual gives us a sense of control, even when we don't have any control, which helps us fight our instinct to avoid risk. Ritual helps us to begin the process of working through grief or loss.

I believe in ritual. Ritual takes us out of the everyday and allows us to acknowledge important events in ways that our minds are designed to remember, much like a mnemonic device. Ritual takes us out of ourselves and into a different, more communal place, allowing us to feel supported and connected. Ritual is a different way of communicating with the universe, which, in my practice, allows me to tell the difference between my magical efforts and simple thought or general wishing and hoping.

We are in a time when we are in need of new rituals; the old ones often no longer apply. It's hard to establish new rituals, because at least some of the power of rituals is in their very tradition, but we have to keep trying, keep making rituals that have meaning for us, because this is a language we cannot let die out.

I created ceremonies for my children to welcome them to the world. I found these to me moving and powerful, and I am glad for the legacy they leave to my sons. The creation of a ritual is itself good for the soul; give yourself the comfort of a ritual for something that is difficult for you. Share it with us!

Forlorn Corn!

Sometimes, someone else says the absolute most perfect thing in the absolute most perfect way. This is one of those times. Go read Hyperbole and a Half, aka Allie Brosh, on Depression. Do it now. (Bring tissues!) Come back when you're done.

...

It was FORLORN CORN! Forlorn corn, people. It's my new mantra/battle cry/code word.

I've been there; in fact, I go there fairly regularly. I understand, and now more people will, and that is indescribably awesome.

Thank you, Allie. There are no words.

Still here!

Sorry, everyone, for my almost year-long silence! It's not because I wasn't thinking of you. In fact, I think of this blog practically every day. See, I have my logo on the back window of my minivan, and the part of it I see best is the part that says "Wise Woman". I like that, because it reminds me that I have something to live up to, and I think I mostly do. But I've been very busy, mostly being involved with my local Unitarian Universalist fellowship, and the entries I often started in my head never got finished, let alone actually published. I'm not making any promises now; I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with this blog at the moment, but I wanted to finally let you know what's been going on, at least. Watch for a more definitive post in the near-ish future!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Happy Mother's Day! I don't know about you, but my husband kind of mucked up a bit on this holiday this year. He's busy making it up to me today, but when I came across this article this morning, I was glad!

Don't Even Thing About Divorcing Until...

And, as pointed out in the comments, it really would be a good idea to read this list BEFORE you get married, too!

Choices

I came across this article on the Always Broken Goddess. The future is never set. We have a path that we are walking down. Sometimes, we choose to leave that path for one reason or another; sometimes, something forces us to leave that path. That moment is an ending, but also a beginning, and it is a beginning of so much potential that we are often stymied, paralyzed by the sheer amount of choice, when there are so many options and each of them equally valid and even equally appealing. It's not just one step; it is a whole path you are choosing. It is human nature to remain on a path once we set foot on it unless we have a powerful motivation to change, so it is absolutely, perfectly sensible to be intimidated. However, if we refuse to choose, we end up stuck at the end of a path; no way forward, and wandering back becomes less and less comforting as time goes on. (Note: Sometimes, however, it is good to embrace that journey to the past. Don't let it be one of sorrow, but of genuine curiosity, revisiting the past with new eyes, looking for new information, for things that can be gleaned...you might stumble on a whole new path by doing this.)

I have had reason to contemplate what would happen in my own life if my marriage failed. Like the goddess in the article, I can see the many, many me's that the future could hold. While I have no intention of leaving my marriage; we are very much in love; I can see alternate futures that are nearly as tempting as the one I can expect from the path I am on. I am fortunate in this way; it helps that I'm a seer in general, I imagine.

If you are having trouble seeing your future, find yourself a many sided crystal or mirror. Contemplate your many selves and then shatter the crystal or mirror. See the pieces? There is a you, a whole you, in each one. Contemplate the choices you have and envision the paths that you will walk if you make these choices. Imbue the pieces with these paths so that you can have something to hold and sort and feel. Contemplate what path you want most to go down. Consider the whole path as far as you can imagine it; not just what the end result will be or the immediate future, but as much of it as you can. Give yourself a time limit; an hour, a day, a week...no more than a month or so...for this pondering. Wait too long and your paths will change and you will have to start over. Make a choice. It is YOUR life. It is, and will always be, first and foremost, YOUR life. YOU have the power to choose it; no one else. Make your choice; take your step; find your way forward onto this new path.

The other paths will fall away; that's okay! Some think that every path is followed in some dimension or other; believing this may make letting them go easier. If you don't believe this, understand that, the moment you made your choice, those paths were no longer for you, because you were no longer the same. If you regret your choice, begin again right at that moment to choose a path...get a whole new crystal and everything; it's okay! Nothing is forever; the only constant is change. Embrace this and change becomes easier to effect.

It is a new day. It is always a new day.

 

 

Awesome music!

Check out this AWESOME album! (Disclaimer: A good friend is part of this group. But I don't advertise just because a friend did it, or you'd see a LOT more stuff; I have many creative and talented friends!)

This album makes me wish I was a full-on Pagan, and I hope to hear a lot more music like this in the future! In most Pagan music, either the lyrics are obscure or the music is. This is accessible in every way for those of us with more mid-line tastes, and that's really nifty!

Heroes and Saviors

Three years after the day-light murder of Lasantha Wickrematunge, editor of Sunday Leader newspaper, “there has been virtually no investigation into this crime,'' his wife has alleged. She wants an international investigation into the murder.

The following is what I wrote three years ago, upon learning about Lasantha.

It's been a long time since I listened, really listened, to Christmas music. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that I'm not Christian…

Funny how those few words, in the society I live in, carry so much baggage. Someone asked my new son's name, and said, "A good Christian name...", when I mentioned that his middle name is Xavier. In our case, it's strictly because the X makes it kind of cool and my dad, who died, liked it. But, in thinking about it, it occurred to me that I could think of it as ex-savior, and that works for me, because I chose not to be a savior. Yes, it can be a choice, and I chose not, arguably the most selfish choice one can make. (Although it helps that I knew I would fail.) I didn't want to save the world; I wanted to share my life with someone and raise children, and I am. I still sometimes struggle with the guilt, though, like when I read about people like Lasantha Wickrematunge. Let him tell you his story in his own words: And Then They Came For Me

Real heroes walk the earth every day, heroes that should leave all of us humbled and weeping with their grace, their courage and their sacrifice. He was such a one.

A savior, in the vernacular of my language, is a supreme hero, one who literally heals all wounds, literally keeps everything and everyone safe. Heroes are not good enough for human beings...we long for something even more awe-inspiring and comforting. We long to be saved. We cling, so many of us, to the dream of someone who will bring us goodness and light, who will stay close by us forever and love us, who will bring joy to the world. We are all little children in our hearts, looking for someone to soothe our hurts, to bathe us in unconditional and unfailing love.

We rarely think much about what it might be like, what it might take to BE a savior. We barely grasp, generally, what it takes and what it means to be a real hero. If we did, we might all sit and cry and cry because it is simply more than anyone can imagine to choose a role like that. It must be thrust upon the savior and that is the cruelest act of all, to demand such a thing of anyone.

Some few of us know the dream for what it is and look tenderly upon the vulnerable hearts of others that know not what they really ask as we accept that no savior is coming for us…nor would we wish for one, knowing what we ask. We may have the hearts of heroes ourselves…perhaps the first courage is the courage to refrain from seeking a savior, to go out on your own in a fickle universe and, as another hero said, be the change you want to see.

End a Creative Slump.

Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain!

Personally, I prefer to celebrate the secular Halloween holiday, but I usually squeeze in a nod to Samhain as well.  Today, as a gift, have this spell I designed during my Magic and Wisdom Bonanza!

End a Creative Slump

 Get a piece of larch wood. Carve it (carefully!) into a rough key shape. As you carve, concentrate on opening your mind to inspiration. Burn the key (safely!) to ashes, asking that your creativity be freed from its blockage. Take the ashes (in a clean cloth) to a crossroads and scatter them in the middle. Go out and get a peridot; you can just get the stone or you can buy a piece of jewelry if you like. Carry or wear it for a month (keep it on your nightstand at night) and concentrate on remaining open to inspiration and creativity should return to you. When you have moments of inspiration/creativity, no matter how small, do not let them pass; stop what you are doing and engage in your creativity.

 

Solve a Conundrum

MAN, I love the word "conundrum", don't you? I want to just say it over and over sometimes. Sorry, English geek moment. :) Here's the spell, prompted and sponsored by the always-awesome Jake.

Get a good quality, very clear piece of quartz with a point at one end. Go to a crossroads. Sit on the ground in the middle of the crossroads, lay the quartz in front of you and point it to whatever direction feels right. Wait for a while, open to inspiration to solve your conundrum. Do the same for the other three directions. Then set the quartz into the ground pointing up and sprinkle salt over it. Get up and go home (best if you can be within walking distance.) Have a black candle and a sprig of rosemary ready. Light the candle and burn the rosemary. Close your eyes and ask Coyote to help you with your problem. Ask for a solution that will make all parties involved content. Meditate like this for about half an hour, then put out the candle and go to bed. If you have not yet had an inspiration, wait a few weeks to see if something presents itself, then you can try this again. If you don’t reach a solution after the second effort, there is no solution that will make all parties content, and you have to decide on the next best option.

There are also two dollars in the general fund now; when I've finished writing, I'll see if there's any more and hopefully be able to post something else for all of you. :)

Bonanza Freebie - Success in Business

My first prompt is also my first freebie, since everyone can always use a good money spell!

Success in Business

While thinking or speaking aloud your commitment to success in business, your willingness to work hard and honestly/to provide good quality product at a good price in exchange for a good, commensurate income (without these genuine convictions, the spell will not work), grind 2-4 leaves of basil into a paste using a mortar and pestle. Mash a ripe but not overripe avocado and mix in the basil and a couple of drops of bergamot oil (be careful, as bergamot oil makes skin more sensitive to sunlight; use only this small amount!). Take a small portion onto your finger and rub it into your wrists like a cologne or perfume. (Make sure you are not allergic to any of the ingredients!) Wear this to job interviews or when doing face-to-face business of any kind.

Basil is a plant of plenty (grows like MAD, as my own garden attests!) and naturally attractive as a scent (of course, some people hate the smell; nothing is liked by everyone!). Avocado is a lubricant, which every interaction benefits from, as well as being rich in healthy fat; fat is the richest of the nutrients we consume, thus why we only need to consume a little! Bergamot oil specifically attracts financial good fortune, and is also a popular, attractive scent.

Keep in mind that an increase in income usually means an increase in spending; no magic will help you if you are not careful and sensible with your finances!

This spell, which took me about 45 minutes to design, would normally cost about $15. My magical spells are usually not this general; the more specific and personalized a spell is, the more effective it will be.

Wisdom and Magic Bonanza!

So, let's try something new. You comment with a prompt, and I'll write to it. You may ask for wisdom or magic or leave it up to me. You can leave one word, a whole paragraph or more, you may post a real or fictional problem or dilemma, whatever you want. I will write and post at least one thing free. If I make $50 in tips, you get one wisdom piece and one magic piece guaranteed. If I go over $100, you'll get at least two of each type of work. If tips go still higher, I'll add more incentives! (And feel free to suggest incentives; this is a trial run, after all!)

If you are new here, here's a good example of a wisdom piece and here's a pretty detailed description of a magical ritual I created.

A few important things to note:

1. I am not Wiccan. I don't even consider myself Pagan. I'm an atheist who sees magic as a natural force, like magnetism or electricity, that we simply don't really understand yet. With that in mind, I make NO promises or guarantees; I can design a spell, but I can't make it work if it's not gonna work. I will not design a spell that might, by my estimate, be harmful to anyone or anything. I have no ethical problem with charging for my magical services, as I consider them to be the same as any other skill or talent that a person is free to use to support him or herself.

2. I am not a doctor or a lawyer or a psychiatrist, and what you do with any advice I give you is completely and totally your responsibility. I advise to the best of my ability from considerable life experience and education. Your choices are yours to make.

3. I am a SAHM with two small boys and limited time. I'm leaving this open for a full 24 hours so that all time zones get a shot. I will do my best to write as quickly as possible, but quality is more important, I think we can all agree, so while I will promise that SOMETHING will be up within 24 hours, it may be a week or two or even more (if prompts get really crazy) before I'm done. I'm not promising to write for everyone this time, though I will do my best. I will give you a small preview or summary of what I create and how much it costs; anyone (prompter or not) may purchase anything I've created for public OR private viewing. All ownership and copyright remains with me; your purchase allows you the same level of use you would have of a book you have purchased; you may not profit from my work or remove my attribution.

So, do you have a problem you are struggling with? Feel free to share it Dear Abby style. Maybe your fictional character(s) have problems they need advice on? Again, ask! Is there simply a word you want to eek all the wisdom out of? Try me! Do you think a magical spell or ritual might help you out? Let me know and I'll see what I can design for you!

Please help me help you and support my family at the same time!

The Value of Cowardice

"There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice." - Mark Twain

This turned up in my daily quotes this morning, and serves as a timely inspiration for this month's post. You see, my oldest son turns 6 tomorrow, and he has been utterly fearless since infancy. As an adult, his fearlessness will allow him, like his father, to be bold, to take life by the horns and turn it his way, but, right now, it often serves as a way to give his grandmother a near heart attack. (Mom, that is, I, am already pretty inured to his lack of fear.) A little caution, such as the very sensible amount his little brother displays, would definitely not go amiss at this stage! But each child is an individual, and I know that, like his father, his fearlessness is part of who my oldest is, just as my youngest's tendency for dramatics is irrevocably linked to his deeply passionate personality...and I know where that comes from quite intimately!

Human beings are still simple beasts at heart, and we would, as a rule, very much like a nice black and white world, where courage is always good and cowardice is always bad, but evolution is wiser than we are by far, and there is a reason all those so-called negative qualities keep hanging on, generation after generation. I think, when it comes to cowardice, good ol' Mr. Clemens hit the nail on the head. A little internal fear of negative consequences can go a long way towards preventing really stellar moments of stupidity.

Being too giving is just as bad for your average human as being too selfish, albeit in very different ways...but there's a place for those that can't help being one or the other, too. In the end, the social species that we are needs this diversity to be successful; there are moments when we need that hard hearted bastard and moments when we need that bleeding heart hippie; we balance each other out in the end and we're all the better for it.

There are a lot of damn stubborn people out there; but it's those of us with innate, intense levels of determination that can make it through the hardest times, that can survive in the face of insurmountable odds because we simply refuse to give up. We are complex organisms in ourselves, but as a species, we are a kind of giant complex organism; some of us are the heart, some the liver, some the white blood cells, some red, and so on. It is wise, as often as we can, to take the long view, to remember that sometimes a person serves as a dire warning to the rest of us, sometimes as an inspiration, and both and all have their place in a vast and complex universe.

Life is too damn short!

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day 
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, 
The higher he's a-getting, 
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting. 

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former. 

Then be not coy, but use your time, 
And while ye may, go marry: 
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry. 

- Robert Herrick

Or, more succinctly, carpe diem! Seize the day!

No matter how it's said; the title is my most common phrasing; it's one of the greatest truths the human species knows.

Live is just too damn short...and we've been lengthening it like crazy and haven't reached the end of wanting to just yet; in fact, the vast majority of us can't let go of the idea of some kind of immortality...life is just THAT AWESOME.

It's spring, and the awesomeness of life is all around us; baby animals and budding plants everywhere we look.

Now, I disagree with Herrick that youth is all it's cracked up to be; age has PLENTY to recommend it...basically, as long as you can still function reasonably well, life. is. AWESOME.

Sex. Awesome. (Even better when you don't have to worry about unintentional pregnancies, too.)

Eating. Awesome. (Assuming you or someone who loves you is a halfway decent cook. But even bad food tastes AWESOME if you're starving!)

Doing Stuff. Awesome. (Study after study finds that when we are productive, we feel...say it with me...AWESOME.)

Trees. Awesome. (They give us oxygen! They give us wood to build shelters and keep the fire going! THEY ARE SO AWESOME!)

Houses. Awesome! (Freezing to death in winter is SO NOT AWESOME.)

Really, life is so ridiculously chock-full of awesome that I could keep writing for hours.  Possibly days. But then my hands would cramp up and that would NOT be awesome. Also, you'd stop reading, because, dude, way to beat a dead horse. (NOT AWESOME.)

Been thinking that life is not awesome? It's almost certainly because you haven't been LIVING it. So, go for a walk (or a ride). Talk to a friend. Do absolutely anything at all that you think has any chance at all of being awesome. Hopefully, soon enough, you'll be singing along with us:

 

P.S. Yes, this is the May entry. Yes, it's still April. What did I just say? ;)

What's your glue?

I was reading the April issue of Good Housekeeping magazine (my grandmother passes her issues on to me), and I came across an article titled, "How to Save a Marriage", by Amy Finley. It's a decent article, but the bit of great wisdom in it was this:

(She and her husband went to France and holed up in a friend's out-of-the-way place to reconnect.)

"France was something that Greg and I shared — not just our memories of it, but our appreciation of it. It was a kind of glue for us, and that gave us a foundation for changing our behavior. For another couple, the glue could be faith, nature, a love of great books.

One of the glories of marriage is the collective out-loud dreaming: staying up all night talking about your hopes and plans for the future. Though the term "intimacy" has become conflated with that other awesome form of staying up all night together — sex — this is true intimacy: trusting, sharing. When you're falling apart as a couple, look for the glue."

First, for the record, sex could be the glue, too, or part of it, anyway. But, aside from that, I think this is a crucial question to ask and to answer.

The first thing I did was attempt to answer it for myself and Tom, my spouse. Right away, I knew it would be a little tricky, because he and I are radically different people in many, many ways. But just as quickly, I thought about how we both have this drive to go forward, to sieze life and really live it, as tumultuous as that can sometimes be. That night, I asked Tom what he thought. After a few minutes of thought, he said, "Passion." He went on to say that he didn't mean just our sexual passion, though it is considerable and a big part of our relationship from the start, but, generally, that we are passionate, and I agreed. We both are very passionate people, and, of course, that ties in with my immediate thoughts about our forward-driven, seizing life approach, something that is hardly possible without a certain amount of passion. So that is our glue, and it is powerful enough to overcome, well, pretty much anything; trust me, we've tested it!

This concept can apply not just to romantic relationships, but friends, family, and even co-workers; looking for the thing that you can share, really share, can provide a base from which to negotiate almost any difficulty. Start with what binds you, focus on that, go back to it over and over, and you'll find a path through most challenges.

Even if you aren't facing challenges, if you and your best friend are getting along swimmingly as always, asking this question can enhance and deepen your relationship, even help you see how you can help each other thrive even more.

What is your glue?