Crackin' Wise

No Kidding!

 

Seriously, life is far more often the latter than the former, and this is actually pretty good advice. :)

Dealing with Bad Stuff: A Primer

I am pretty good at dealing with bad stuff. I want to help you all to be able to be better at dealing with bad stuff, if you are having difficulty doing so. Thus, I compose this primer. Allow me to give you some of my qualifications. (Feel free to skip forward when you are satisfied with them.) I grew up ostracized, ridiculed, and occasionally tortured for being your typical mentally sophisticated, socially inept individual. The high school I attended was a minimum one-knife-fight-a-day school. (I passed up the chance, halfway through, to move to the upscale-drugs-only school, and don’t regret it, btw.) I spent my teen years scraping the bottom of the barrel for dates, and it showed. When I moved to college (despite adamantly not wanting to go), my last relationship decided to get all stalker-y on me. College sucked rather less than life had to that point; significant amounts of fun and self-development occurred. Eventually, I got married. Not too long after that (but unrelated), my best friend of over a decade dumped me via phone call. Then the spouse and I decided to have a baby, since all I had ever wanted to do my entire life was be a mother. There followed eight years of infertility and two miscarriages before we finally got lucky. In between the two miscarriages, my marriage almost fell apart, and I engaged in an immediate and radical personal behavior change to prevent it from doing so. (Later, my partner learned that it takes two to tango, and has made some changes of his own.) Then, on the day of my baby shower, my beloved father shot himself dead. Under a month later, I gave birth to my son, healthy and happy. Then I had two more miscarriages, and finally had my second healthy, happy son. Since then, I’ve developed and am currently in treatment for hyperplasia. I also have a few chronic health problems, at least one of which leaves me with chronic pain. I’m leaving stuff out, so if these aren’t enough for you, feel free to request further examples of how much bad stuff I have had to deal with.

In spite of all that, I am an extremely happy person with a lot to celebrate in my life. I am optimistic, generally upbeat, friendly, warm, loving, open, patient, and quite well adjusted. How, you ask, do I deal with all that bad stuff so successfully? That’s what I’m here to tell you!

1. I know that life is neither fair nor unfair; it simply is. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and vice versa. This is because there is no one carefully measuring out reward and punishment; life is just a thing, happening. There is nothing personal about, for example, my infertility. It just happened. We can have an effect on life, can learn to maximize the positive and minimize the negative. However, on a fundamental level, bad stuff happens. Don’t take it personally; it isn’t.

2. I know that I am in control of my life and my choices. I can’t control what other people do, think, and feel. I can’t control what nature/life does. I can control how I prepare for and react to these things. I can control everything that I do, think, and, to an extent, feel. All these things are choices that I make, and they can and will have an influence beyond just myself.

 2.a. This is for all of you screaming “No one can control how they feel!” Take a deep breath. Now listen (okay, read.) If you spend your time thinking about bad, negative things, your feelings (assuming you do not have a mood disorder) will be bad and negative. If you spend your time thinking about (and doing) good, positive things, your feelings, overall, will be good and positive. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about all the things I did wrong (aka “everything”), and all the bad things in my life (no friends, poor health, etc.), and I was miserable. When I chose (CHOICE!) instead to focus on thinking about the good things in my life, or even just the neutral ones when I couldn’t think of good ones (what needs to be done, how am I going to do it, gee, that was a fun story I read, you know, I did a nice thing there, the air smells good today), I found myself feeling, overall, good and positive. Ya gotta MEAN it, though, folks; no "this'll never work" attitude, or it won't!

2.b. We have far more choices than we realize. Each and every thing you do is a choice, from playing a video game for six hours to going to work every day. Some choices are no-brainers; no work means no money means no food or shelter, so, you know, gotta have an income (but some people who really hate work go “off the grid”, live off the land and trade for goods; it IS a choice.) But the vast majority are very much optional. Examine the choices you make; if they don’t make sense with what you want in your life, stop making those choices. Human beings slip into repetitive behavior patterns quite easily; breaking them requires effort and conscious thought. Make sure the patterns you are in are good for you. If they aren’t, make different choices till they are. I chose to spend a large amount of my time writing this essay, because I hope it will help someone. Just putting it out there means that, forever after, it has the potential to do some good. Knowing that is good for me; I feel that I’ve done something good, and I’ve reached outside myself and remembered the rest of humanity. It can be surprisingly hard to make the choices that are good for you; sometimes you really have to force yourself. Do it.

2.c. Preparing is about maintaining your own stability, mental, emotional, physical, financial, as much as possible. There are myriad ways to do this; find the ones that work for you. In my case, I keep a journal (online); I have a good support network of friends and family; I’m still working on finding the right exercise program, but know a lot about what I like and what I don’t; and I have a budget with a built-in cushion. That doesn't mean, especially in today's economy, that I don't get stressed about money, but I know I'm doing everything I can, and that makes it easier to let go of the stress.

2.d. One of the most important points here is this one: You have control over how you react to what comes your way. Once upon a time, I spent all my time glooming over my miseries. I hurt my back; my boyfriend didn’t really love me; nobody loved me, everybody hated me; I couldn’t do anything right…and on and on. I wanted, and got, sympathy and, more often, pity, because I believed it was the closest I could get to love. This way of reacting maximized the bad and minimized the good. Now, when bad stuff happens, I deal with it, and the emotions it raises, but I don’t maximize the events. I don’t wallow, even when I’m tempted to and no one would turn a hair if I did. Life, I decided, is too short. Yes, I've lost four children, and I’ve grieved (denial is bad for you!), but I’ve also remembered that I have two children that delight me daily, and a great many other things worth celebrating, and I choose to focus my energy on those things. I choose to move on, as life does. Forward is definitely the better direction.

3. (At last!) Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, honey. Be honest with yourself. Human beings lie to themselves all the time. It’s the easy way out of dealing with things and you can function reasonably successfully doing it, which is why it’s so common. But some people, like me, just aren’t good at it, and they keep trying, and it backfires. Even for ones for whom it works, the odds are that one day it’s gonna come up and bite them where it hurts. Really facing yourself, being utterly honest, is extremely difficult…but it can have amazing results.

The crucial moment in my life occurred one night, alone in dorm room, when I faced all the inner me that I’d been desperately running from my whole life. I looked the monsters I’d created…the ones that screamed things like “YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH BEING ALIVE AND DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE!”…and I said, “Fine.” Just that. Okay, I said, you win. I’m SELFISH. There. I said it. Happy now? And I cried. And all the other things I feared and hated about myself came tumbling out and I looked at them all straight in the eye. One by one, I admitted the things I’d denied for so long. And I accepted them; they were part of me, after all, and denying it had only made them worse. I decided that night to be who I was, flaws and all, to stop hiding and trying to be something I wasn’t. If I was that selfish, if I WAS a monster and didn’t deserve to live, well, in time, I’d know that, and then I could commit suicide in peace, ‘cause no one would care, although, of course, if I WAS that much of a monster, I wouldn’t end up committing suicide because I wouldn’t care. (Gotta love those catch-22s!) Not surprisingly, I wasn’t that much of a monster. My flaws, in the light, were nothing like what they had been in the dark. Yeah, I have a selfish streak, but I’m also, and not inconsistently, one of the most giving people most folk have ever met; that part of me is just as true, just as real, as the selfish part. The rest of my flaws are similarly balanced out. I am a human being, imperfect, and so is everyone else, and that’s okay. It’s part of what makes us unique, and being unique is what makes interactions worth having, what makes life, really, worth living. If we were all perfect, what would we have to learn from each other? What would we do? How would we grow? Nothing, to my mind, could be more wonderful than imperfect, vibrant, growing, creating, learning, sharing life, and I’ll take wonder over perfection any day. Accept, even embrace, imperfection. Now excuse me while I go eat the last piece of cake. ;)

4. You can never have too much compassion. Most world religions try to teach this incredibly important lesson, but, somehow, it seems to get through the least often. Part of this, I think, is because, before you can really feel compassion for others, you have to feel it for yourself, and most religions don’t get that part across successfully at all, in part because so few people are ready or willing to hear it. You can’t feel compassion for yourself if you’re busy denying your own truths, if you can’t or won’t face who you are. So here’s another reason to be honest with yourself. Once you’ve done that, once you’ve accepted yourself fully for who you are, you can look at yourself and feel compassion. Poor, silly thing, so afraid not to get her share that she takes more than she should; there’s no malice in her, she’s just afraid. We are all terribly vulnerable beings, from the outside in. The vast, vast majority are just trying our best and are genuinely trying to do the right thing. Lots of us (us, not them!) screw that up in really horrid and horrible ways, but we’re trying. That’s what compassion asks us to remember; that, for all their flaws and errors and monstrosities, other people are just that; other people, trying. My stalker-y ex was a sad, lonely person, and I was one of few people who gave him love, and he just didn’t want to let me go. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have gotten a retraining order if things had progressed; compassion doesn’t mean you have to be stupid or weak. But compassion allows understanding, kindness, and good will to grow and prevents or heals anger, hostility, and ill will. Compassion allows me to forgive, to let go of pain and anger and…you guessed it…move on.

Now I know some of you have skipped to the end without really reading, so here’s the short version. (Then go back and read the long version!) Life is neither fair nor unfair; it just is. Don’t take it personally. You are not in control of life/nature or the thoughts, actions, and feelings of others, but you ARE in control of yourself. Everything is a choice; make the choices that are positive for you, no matter how hard they are. Minimize the negative and maximize the positive. Be honest with yourself, even brutally so. Accept, even embrace, imperfection, both your own and that of others. You can never have too much compassion; start with yourself and then find it within yourself for everyone else. Deal with the bad stuff, move on and celebrate the good stuff. No regrets.

Life is stunningly short; make it wondrous, beautiful, and fulfilling. When my head is laid down for the last time, I will know only joy and peace. So can you. Go; live; love, celebrate and be happy. That’s what I’m going to do.

Ch-ch-changes...

So, I've been thinking a lot lately that the old me would be horrified at the new me. I've been trying to write this in my head for a while. I had a lot of trouble deciding where to start, but I decided to start with the most personally urgent aspects and track back as necessary.
The thing that has loomed largest is the whole "loyal friend" thing. See, that used to be something about me that I took great pride in. I would go to the ends of the earth for the people I loved (aka "my friends") and ask for nothing (except perhaps a little love) in return. I considered this a definitive aspect of myself. My self esteem was in the toilet, and this was one of a very few things that I could cling to as making me worth something.

Here's the thing: that wasn't a "saving grace", it was a symptom.

It's been, oh, seven or eight years now since I shed that vision of myself, and I'm infinitely better for it.

You know what I got out of giving up my loyalty? Self-respect. And not just a little; a LOT.
Here's the thing...if you have to BE loyal, there's something wrong. If you are in a reciprocal relationship, where you are valued AS YOU VALUE, then loyalty doesn't come up; of COURSE you are there for the other person, as much as you can be when you have other priorities like a spouse and children and even, yes, yourself. No, of course I don't mean that your friend calls you in a personal crisis and you say "call back later, I'm getting my hair done"...I mean more like this: "Hey, I know you were supposed to come over this weekend to visit, but I'm sick as a dog, so let's reschedule." Because the OLD me would have been on her deathbed and would have sucked it up and visited cheerfully. On the surface, I'd've called it loyalty, but it was really fear that the person wouldn't love me anymore if I wasn't COMPLETELY accommodating of his/her every whim. This, needless to say, is not exactly healthy.

While I'd been re-evaluating my "loyalty" ever since my "best friend" of almost a decade dumped me over the phone, the final change is traced back to a perfectly lovely person I met online. She was (well, is, as far as I know) a very popular person, with a huge circle of friends and lots of activity...one of those people whose every post got ten or twenty comments at LEAST. I was one of her regular, most loyal commenters. She replied to me often, and occasionally commented to my posts in my personal blog, though more initially and less as time went on. We had a lot in common and got along well. I felt like we could be really close, but it wasn't happening. There came a day when I was doing a cut on my personal blog. And I thought, you know, I've invested a LOT of time and energy in her, and I'm settling for beans in exchange...and it made me feel bad to settle.
I'd done a LOT of settling in my life, starting with always being the "second-best" daughter (out of two) and moving on to pretty much every guy I ever dated.

So, this one time, I decided, you know what, I'm going to take her off my list; no hard feelings, if she wants to come back, I'll be glad to have her, on NON-settling terms. So I made the cut. Unsurprisingly, it was barely a blip on her radar. And that hurt a bit, of course, but I knew it was the right thing...and I was right. Suddenly, I had more time, and I was investing it wisely, in the people who DID reciprocate, and I felt SO MUCH BETTER about myself.

Well, once you start respecting yourself, you get hooked quick, I guess, because that was it. From then on, I changed to the way I am now; I don't keep score, but do keep a loose sort of track, and when I notice that a relationship has become lopsided, I let the person know (if I think there's reason to) and then, if it doesn't change, I walk away. I am always on the lookout for people who are willing to be invested in me as I am in them, and I make it very clear...and I've had friendships that otherwise might have fallen by the wayside or been very lopsided survive and thrive, so that I feel loved and valued as I love and value them. I ALSO try not to BE the lopsided one; if I find myself not connecting with someone, I try to let them go as quickly as I realize it's not going to happen. I know that I've probably bummed some people out doing this, and I always feel bad about that, but I feel like, in the long run, I'd hurt them a lot more by letting them linger around settling for the scraps I have to give...no one should have to do that, you know?

Really. No one should have to settle for scraps of love and attention.

I've found that settling, too, closes the door on opportunities where one wouldn't HAVE to settle; if one is spending hours of ones time on people who spend seconds on them at best, one isn't looking for truly healthy friendship opportunities. I understand the idea, boy do I, of better a bad friend than none at all, but, on the other hand, better one or two real friends than elevating four or five acquaintances to friendship status...and, honestly, better self-respect and no friends than self-hatred and lots of them...and that includes me, so I never hold it against people if they leave for this reason!

There, that's the big thing that's been on my mind, but it's also only the tip of the iceberg. That change, and the re-evaluating I did back in 2002 when my husband Tom and I hit a big bump in our relationship, led to a lot of dramatic personality changes, some of which would astonish the old me in good ways, but also some, like this one, that would astonish in a very unpleasant way indeed!

Just a brief (for some value thereof! *laugh*) summary of some of the other changes:
I am confident in a way the old me would almost consider "cocky", which comes almost entirely from this security of self I feel because I have taken charge of my own life. I don't make my decisions based on whether X person will still like me, or like me more, or on any of a hundred other "shoulds", but on what I genuinely think is right for me and the people (my spouse and children) in my care. I am still terrified on the inside a lot (and on the outside with close, trusted friends) but I have learned to troop through it and find strength in my own convictions.
The old me would be glad that I have the strength of my convictions; she did, too, in her way...but those convictions are lot less other-centered than she would ever be comfortable with, this whole "not putting EVERYONE else first" thing is WAY outside her comfort zone.
We both have issues with feeling "selfish", but the new me has a lot better handle on it, recognizing that doing the right thing for yourself, when it doesn't actually HURT other people, is okay.
In my relationship and as a parent, of course, I put them on an equal level with myself, and sometimes, of course, the boys have to come before both Tom and I, but I am not nearly as self-sacrificial as, say, my own mother was, and I think she's suffered for it. I want to come out of all this as a happy, fulfilled person in my own right, and I keep that in mind.

The old me would be HORRIFIED that the new me places very little importance on things like birthdays, anniversaries, and even holidays, although the latter is changing a bit for the sake of the children, for whom such things tend to serve as touchstones to childhood later on, as well as building family closeness. But, on a personal level? Life is so precious to me every day that I'm not invested in these special days. My marriage is about an every day partnership; I take every chance I can get to celebrate that, regardless of whether there's a holiday or anniversary handy. I don't need excuses, you know? And, and this is important, I don't wait for those times to GET love and attention from my spouse, either; I want to and DO feel loved and appreciated all the time, whenever he feels moved to express those things, and he feels moved to express them often, because I do and because we have a loving, healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship for BOTH of us. The old me, burdened with a lifetime of rejection and "settling", wanted...needed...PROOF of love, and while seemingly making all kinds of sacrifices, still kept him at arm's distance, never really believing in his love for me and not entirely sure of my love for him, demanding all sorts of things and holding up my own sacrifices as evidence that I loved him more than he loved me...this kind of "competition" is simply starting from the wrong point. I chose, when he walked out that day, to make some real sacrifices...and he saw that, and was, I think, ashamed that he blamed all our problems on me when it was truly a mutual thing, and he stepped up to match me, and we found a place that was good, healthy and happy, where we are interdependent and where both our needs and desires are balanced as best we can and we both accept that. Not that we don't have our times where we still tussle...but overall, we have an excellent partnership.

Another reason for my lack of interest in special dates is the deterioration of my memory. I had a dream the other night that really hit home; I realized that, if I'd started with a more typical memory, I've lost enough to practically qualify for Alzheimer's! Now, my memory was a HUGE part of my identity most of my life. Oftentimes, I'd put off the claims of "giftedness" as being nothing more than a really good memory, which isn't really true, but I had a lot of issues around my giftedness, and it IS partially true; the fact is, if I read something (or watched something) I remembered it. Period. About as good as I ever would (which is why "studying" always seemed bizarre to me), with something like 90% recall. I can't do that now. Part of it, I know is disuse; I know that if I really worked at it, I'd probably be able to get back up to 60% recall pretty quickly, and probably up to 80% in the end. But, compared to the thousands of "clear as the day they happened" memories I used to have, I'm down to a bare handful.
The main reason for THAT is that...and here's another really important thing...I don't live in the past anymore. My focus is almost exclusively on the present and future. I have let go of a lot of things that I used to keep shiny and bright because they helped motivate me, usually in a "never again" sort of way, but also in a "I can have a bright shining moment like this again if only..." kind of way. I let all that go and really concentrated on making the most of today, which an eye on the future when I need a boost of hope, because it's a LOT better and more practical to look forward than back. Looking back just makes you want to stop, really, whereas looking forward...well, it might actually happen, so you can keep working toward it, as long as you keep it realistic and genuinely achievable. It helps to break it down into steps sometimes, and to concentrate more on the near future rather than the distant future. Anything beyond the next five years can be fun to think about, but probably isn't going to be practical as a motivator unless you are a very unusual person.
I'm really proud of this change in myself, though, at the same time, I do wish I had a better memory again, and I am going to be working on that!

Finally, the biggest change I've embraced is change itself! Even good things don't have to and often shouldn't remain the same...and clinging to memories is, as I've said, a good way to stagnate, which is another way to say "stop living". I owe this realization mostly to Tom, because I have watched him pursue life with both hands, always and ever moving forward, open to every new experience that comes his way, even when it scares him. And I came to admire that in him, deeply. So I chose to emulate it; I have embraced new experiences, and opened up hundreds, if not thousands, of experiences and possibilities that I previously was completely closed to.

More than anything, this makes me the leader of my own life, rather than a confused, scared and stumbling soul being dragged along by the things that happen to me. Instead, I make things happen...not for the sake of making them happen, which is another way to be unhealthy...I don't have to be in total control of everything! But it's MY life, and I should and do OWN that...refusing to make a choice is still making a choice, one of those sayings that would intensely irritate the old me, but turns out to be true; refusing to make a choice is choosing to be passive, and sometimes that's a sensible thing to do, but a lot of the time, that's just fear, and living in fear is just a plain sucky way to live. I know, I did it. I spent most of my life so afraid...of so many things...that I didn't really live. Taking control of your life, actively rather than passively living, takes a huge step of courage if you didn't come by it naturally, but once you've taken that step...it gets a LOT easier, quickly.

Today, I still hate screwing up, because I'd hardly be human if I didn't, but I also know I'd rather screw up than not live at all, because the rewards can be and have been huge. I have two astonishingly wonderful children, an amazing marriage, and a future path that looks to be fulfilling and happy...and that's the message I give back to that scared, broken girl...that and a lot of love, the same love I have for those who are in a similar place to where I used to be.

Life IS scary and hard...and beautiful and good...and you are loved, deeply, and WILL be loved, even if you stop trying so hard to make everyone else happy and take your life into your own hands. It will be okay. Be who you are, rise or fall on that, and, no matter what happens, you'll go into the long goodnight with your conscience clean and your heart full of the knowledge that you lived as fully and honestly as you could. Even if, as I contemplated in dorm room over going on two decades ago, it turns out that you really are a monster and everyone really does hate you...well, then, no one will be hurt when you put yourself out of your misery. But I have this feeling that, like me, you'll find out that it doesn't turn out that way; you aren't perfect, but you aren't a monster, either, and there are people, even if only a few, who love you exactly as you are, for who you are. And that alone will be enough. Really.

Breakin' Up

No, I'm not breaking up with you, dear readers! Sorry for the long absence while I figured out my schedule; this blog will now be monthly until further notice. Just in time for Valentine's Day, I'd thought I'd share some thoughts on ending relationships, just because.

Here's an actually up-to-date opinion on a common issue: Is it okay to break up over the phone/on the internet/in any way other than in person?

It would be silly to suggest that anything is more appropriate than a face to face breakup, and I am not a silly person. However, IF your relationship was established or largely took place in one of these ways, it is equally appropriate to break up with someone via that method. Did you communicate almost exclusively by text since the beginning? Go ahead and text this latest development, too. Same thing with the internet. Penpals have been dumping each other in letters for centuries;  what ISN'T okay is writing your very FIRST letter to the person across the table from you to say it's over. Unless you are in real danger, you owe that person a break-up that is consistent with the way you have communicated throughout your relationship. End of story.

Here is the most important thing about romantic relationships: They are not rational. They will never BE rational. So, dumpers, don't bother giving a long list of reasons why you're doing the dumping, and, dumpees, don't try to reason your now-ex into becoming your un-ex; it won't work.

This is not to say that one partner might be wanting to leave when the relationship can be saved, but that's only if the base feeling is still there; if "I love you" isn't there, NOTHING can make it be there.

This is ALSO not to say that just BECAUSE "I love you" is there, one should stay in a relationship that is not meeting their needs. Love really ISN'T enough, no matter what the romance novels say.

And lust, btw, is SO not love.

So, if you no longer love someone, say so, gently, but clearly and firmly. If you DO still love someone...here's a radical idea...see if they are willing to help you be happy in the relationship before you jump ship.

I realize you need some serious communication skills to do that...but that post is for another day.

 

Gratitude

Now that we've had some time to recover from the pressure of Thanksgiving, I'm going to talk about gratitude. I have something of a confession to make: I write a daily gratitude. OMGCHEESY, right? It is an awfully reverent thing for an irreverent person to do, certainly! It seems that daily gratitudes are contagious; I had a friend who did them faithfully, and I found I really enjoyed reading them and often thought that I should do them, but, like people do, I never could bring myself to actually DO it.

Then the day came that I was finally sucked into Facebook, domain of the not-very-net-savvy, mostly because I wanted to make a genuine effort to connect with my extended family and let them get to know me for who I really am. Of course, Facebook has a pretty limited space to type, so I had to think about something I could do that would be short but revealing, without, hopefully, being too offensive (as, for example, some humor can be.) I remembered my friend, and my desire to emulate her, and realized that this was my perfect opportunity.

Here's the thing. Daily gratitudes actually work! It's a subtle thing, but a very, very real one. If I go a few days without them, now that I've got a well established habit going on, I feel it. My mood dips, my tolerance for others goes down. I start losing sight of the things that are really important to me. When I do them, there is, even on the worst day, a portion of goodness to feed my soul. Corny, but true.

Looking back over my past year, I've been grateful for everything from "the incredible edible egg" to the chance to correct a mistake to my spouse and children and much, much more. We spend a lot of time looking for inspiration, for reasons to keep going through the bad times, and daily gratitudes are someone one can do for oneself that very much provides exactly that.

So, what are YOU grateful for?

Filthy Lucre

I think I've already pointed out that wise folk need to survive just like everyone else, but, in case I haven't, yeah, you know that "don't profit by magic or DOOOOOM!" thing? Phooey. People with magical talent have as much right to profit by it as anyone with any other talent does. No one should be unduly greedy, mind you, but that's about being ethical in general and applies to all people.

This past weekend, my household had an ugly confrontation with a virus of the non-computer-related variety, which is why this week's post is late. My hard-working spouse had to miss a day of work; fortunately, he is salaried, so didn't lose any money, but that wasn't always the case and our accumulated debt reflects that! I have two children that I work hard taking care of, in addition to the time I spend on my magical practice. So far, I've made exactly zero dollars on any of the things I work very hard at doing; I'd like to change that sooner rather than later!

If you want my divination services, please see my Wren Starling page, which has a handy dandy Paypal link, even.

As for this part of my practice, I'll take any amount you'd like to give to support the regular posting to this blog; just use that handy Paypal link and tell me that you're supporting the blog in the special notes.

For general consultation, which includes things like spell-crafting (in which you and I work together to design a spell or ritual for you to perform), research, or personal advice, my services run about 30 dollars an hour or the equivalent (in age-old tradition, I am always open to barter!), not including the cost of materials in spell-crafting; all such purchases must be pre-approved 0r made by the client, of course.

For spell-casting and other rituals, such as weddings, funerals, infant-welcomings, and so on, my services are about 40 dollars an hour (travel time counts if it's more than half an hour or so), or can be one set fee negotiated in advance, competitive with other people offering similar services. Contact me if you're interested and we can probably work something out; as mentioned, barter is always an option.

Contact me @ jennywise at comcast.net if you are interested in any of the above! Thanks! I truly appreciate your support.

I believe in...

Balance.
Without sorrow, there is no joy. I have seen both the bad and the good sides of life, and gleaned something of value from each. I believe we need both halves of all the dichotomies, and that very few things are actually dichotomies.
I believe, really and truly, in moderation in all things. I think asceticism is as big a problem as hedonism, just in a different way.
I believe that, all in all, life tends to balance out. That doesn't mean we don't need to pay attention and do our part to keep the balance!
Balance is a beatiful and plentiful thing, vastly underappreciated.

Love.
All kinds of love, not just the romantic kind. Friendship is the single most valuable thing in the world to me. *sings With A Little Help From My Friends* The greatest love of my life is also my best friend. I believe, without doubt, that if we were ALL raised to love both ourselves and others, world peace would happen without even trying. I believe love makes us better beings; it makes us gentler, kinder, more patient, more passionate, more alive.
I believe that so long as we truly loved and were loved in return, we can die content.

Honesty.
"This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
In Shakespeare's way, I always think this was a play on words; it seems to talk of loyalty, but, to me, it speaks of honesty.
There is little, if anything, more important than learning how to be honest with yourself and to live with that honesty; it allows you to live your authentic life, and it allows others to love or detest you for who you really are, which, I know it's hard to believe, is actually a LOT better than having them love or detest you for being someone you aren't.
Be kind, be judicious, but be honest.

Freedom.
Not above all; we are social creatures, and our obligations to each other (and the rest of the universe) sometimes cost us some of our freedom. But freedom is crucial, to progress, to development, to growth as individuals and as a species. The paths we travel, literal and figurative, are most likely to be the right ones for us when we find them freely, when the steps we take are truly our own.

Going Home.
There is and has been much speculation about what happens to the spirit/soul/self after our bodies stop working. The answer, for me, is quite simple; we go back to where we came from, whereever and whatever that is; we go home.
For a weary old soul, there is no more beautiful possibility.

You.
Each of you has triumph ahead of you and priceless treasures within you. You can do it, each of you. I believe in you with the kind of believing that saves the lives of fairies, with the kind of love that brings unicorns, with the kind of fierceness that lights the fires of dragons.

Me.
All that stuff I said about you? It goes for me, too. ;) Ain't life wonderful?

Wonder!
Keep a handful in your pocket at all times. Take a minute or twenty to just look around and wonder. Life, the universe, is astonishingly wonderful, and there are few things so good for you as taking a moment to feel that from the top of your head to the tip of your toes.

Then get back to the hard work of truly living your life.

Happy Halloween, one day late!

Sorry, everyone, too busy being a mom of two small boys celebrating Halloween to make a post. See you next week, and hopefully next year I'll do a big Halloween post. :)

Humble much?

Google gives this definition:

pre·ten·tious - Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.

You may have noticed that I think there is a lot of this going on in the modern magical community. Pretty much all of my more scathing opinions are rooted in this very idea.

So, said the caterpillar, whoooo are youuuuuu?

In other words, what gall do I have calling myself a wise woman at the tender age of 37 (or 38, I can never remember anymore), and going so far as to judge and offer opinions on these things?

Well, to start with, let me point out that rule number one around here is to take what works for you and leave the rest.  If you think I'm a total twit, such is your right, and please take your opinion and go read something that you respect. I'd appreciate a pointer as to why you think I'm a twit, and it would be awesome if you didn't actually call me a twit, or any other name, but simply gave me information, because I will always educate myself. I've spent my life doing exactly that, which is a really handy transition line into why I do have the gall to do this.

In many ways, I am an extremely fortunate person. I was born with a fast processor; in other words, academically gifted. This means that it took me way less effort than the average person to learn the basics. (It also meant I got a lot of shit and had horrible issues for years, but that's not my point right now. Just noting that I wasn't one of those golden children who are gifted and socially successful.) I also had educated parents, both thinkers and readers, who were excellent role models for continued and self education. So, from a young age, I was covering topics that other kids simply didn't have time for. Religion was a big one for me, because I had early on eliminated the Christianity that surrounded me as a viable religion for me, but I also really wanted the kind of community that one can get from a shared religion. (No, I still don't have that. Yes, it's kind of a bummer, but I'm okay with it now.) So, at the ripe old age of thirty-whatever, I've been studying religion (and related topics, like magic) informally (and occasionally formally) for over two decades. I have done this even more intensely over the last decade or so; I was fortunate to marry a person who was willing to support me while I figured myself out, and so, while other people were busy going to work every day to feed, clothe, and shelter themselves, I had someone else doing most of that for me, allowing me to examine myself, my friends and associates, and anything and everything I was interested in to a depth and breadth that most people simply never have the time for.

I have also been a very unfortunate person; I've suffered at the hands of bullies, abusive authority figures, love interests, even my best friends. I've had tremendous personal tragedies. I've had (and continue to have) problems with my health and my physical condition.  I have always had a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but often not much more than that. I have been through some shit, in other words, and I have come out the other side, stronger and more experienced whether I like it or not. If you believe that wisdom comes from suffering, I've certainly had a healthy share, is what I'm saying.

All of my life, I've been the advisor and the comforter, the one people turn to for an ear and some answers. I've given of myself too much, and learned to respect my limits. People have always interested me, and I've spent much of my life learning to understand them inside and out, through reading, personal interaction, analysis (of both myself and others), and even formal study. (I minored in anthropology in college!) The feedback I've gotten over the years is that I am, after all, very good at this stuff.

I'll never stop learning, researching, growing; my mind will always be open. But, yeah, I'm pretty effin' wise at this point. I take that title and wear it with confidence. If you have wisdom to share with me, I'm certainly interested to hear it. If you think I'm off base, I hope you let me know, ideally gently, 'cause for all that I'm tough as nails, I'm also a sensitive soul and it's mean to make me cry. But, more than anything, I hope that I can help you, any of you, in one way or another, because, in the end, that's what I'm really about; I'm a nurturer at the core of my being, and, even though I may not always be the most gentle or diplomatic, I only ever do or say anything with everyone's best interests at heart.

That is whoooo I am.

Tools of the Trade

Last week, I covered the pentacle/pentagram, but in my research, I came across this handy dandy list of magical tools, and now I'm going to talk about the other tools of the trade and what I think about each, using that list as my template.

First is the athame. Oh, please, if ever there was something invented because it was coooool, this is it. Now, don't get too upset; I don't think that just because something is a recent invention, that inherently invalidates it. If it is meaningful to you and it works, then who am I to argue? But, as far as I'm concerned, the athame is, if anything, a minor tool; useful for cutting, literally and symbolically. You'll see later what I think is most important.

I was rather surprised to see bells included in the list...not least since they happen to be very important to me! Bells are a part of the universal language of music, and can be singularly helpful when dealing with the heard but not seen. I am a big fan of bells, and there's my little magical idiosyncracy for you.

Brooms are next, an oldie AND a goodie. First of all, brooms are something one can make oneself fairly simply, and I always think that a tool you make yourself is often better than using something made by someone else. Finally, there's nothing like sweeping for a useful metaphor one can actually act out.

Candles are another old reliable, and, like brooms, are another basic of human life. Even in our highly industrialized, reliably electrically lighted countries, people still keep candles around. This simple way to have and hold fire in relative safety and for a healthy duration cannot ever be anything but useful and good.

You'll be noticing a trend as I next say that cauldrons, too, are excellent magical tools. Some things just don't need much changing, and the cauldron is yet another in that category. These tools that are so fundamentally useful, and have been from the start, probably always will be. Unlike candles and brooms, cauldrons aren't often seen in modern homes, though. There's something special about the shape of a cauldron to me...I think it's a fertile shape, and we need fertility when making magic.

I think the chalice is a bit of a lift from certain other religious practices, and a poor replacement for the cauldron, though I must admit that the cup has survived into modern day use far better than the cauldron. Still, I prefer the cauldron. I won't look scathingly upon you for disagreeing on this one, though.

Clothing is, indeed, optional in a lot of rituals, but can we please do away with the cheesy "sky clad"? For one thing, it's more like "air clad", but that doesn't sound as romantic and mysterious. We all know how I feel about making things sound romantic and mysterious by now!

Dear Whoever wrote the page I linked to,
It's paten (or patin), not paton, and it's totally lifted from Catholicism. Yes, we can have a plate to put our tools on, and yes, all tools used in ritual can and will be significant, but beyond that? Moving on...

For those of you following along on the list, I'm going to depart a bit now lest I get repetitive.

Incense (including sage-burning) is a useful tool, though it has often been overused. It can symbolize air (though fire IS involved), and the popularity of aromatherapy is testament to the power odor can have, if used properly.

Finally, we get to the tool I most heartily approve of; the wand! This, in my opinion, is what should be used instead of the athame. (Except in situations where actual cutting is necessary, in which case a knife should be used, of course, magically imbued or not as appropriate, athame, boline, plain old knife, whatever you want to call it.) This is another tool one can make oneself, and wands can be changed as the person changes, which can be important.  There has always been much magic in wood, not least because it has been so essential to human survival; aside from the earth and water, air and sun from which all things come and through with all things exist, I'm not sure there is anything more important. It is fitting, then, that one of our most important tools be made from it.

Ultimately, like most magic, a tool is what you make of it, what works for you is what works for you. This is what works for me.

Pondering the Pentacle

Look at that for a minute. Feel it. There's just something about a pentacle, something about the tension of that star encased by that circle that speaks to something inside me, as well as a whole lot of other people. I think it's really that very tension that creates the space for something magical to happen. Without it, it's just a star, and, while anything done with magical intent and focus can be magical, not anything inherently magical. There's something inherently magical about a pentacle.

Here's what I don't like; the usual assignment of five elements to it. I think that's a bit of matchy-matching going on; as a symbol, it's an easy one to use as a primary symbol, and so we want to match it to something else quintessentially pagan, namely the elemental association. My problem is this; in ritual, it's the four elements in the four directions and spirit at the center and with the pentacle, suddenly spirit is a point and the center doesn't have an assignment, except perhaps sexual energy, which isn't really on a par with the others and is commonly considered part of earth energy. I think by forcing this association, we undo some of the magic inherent in the symbol.

So what IS inherently magical about it? There's all that symmetry; the golden proportion or ratio. When something naturally does that, in a universe that features a LOT more assymetry, it's going to catch your attention. When that symmetry involves a natural tension, well, we have a catching point, a sort of junction box for the magical energy streaming all around and through us all the time. This is a way to make it stop for a minute, to hold it in our hands. It is for this reason that it works to create a sacred space.

After considering all the options, I think the sybolism that makes the most sense to me is that of the star representing the human being. There's nothing else in magic that really does this, aside from literal representations like dolls, and human beings really are pretty critical to the whole process. In my rituals, this is what the star will always represent, because, in the end, I come back often to that line from the Desiderata about how "we are children of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars."

 

NO harm? Really?

So, there's a whole lot of emphasis put on the whole "do no harm" idea. If you've cracked open a book on magic or glanced at a webpage, you've come across the infamous "An' it harm none, do as thou wilt" line, which, in modern English, says (because it is OFTEN misunderstood, sadly), "If it harms no one, do what you're thinking of doing." (I swear I always hear, "if you DARE!" at the end of that.)

First off, this is a ridiculous standard. Human beings "harm" other human beings ALL. THE. TIME. We almost can't help it; it's ridiculously easy to do harm to someone else without intending to. Did I harm all the people I had failed relationships with? I know some of them really emotionally harmed me! And let's not even get into the harm I am inadvertantly responsible for as a citizen of the United States of America. Gah! So, "NO" harm is just damn silly. Let's modify it to something reasonable, "Do the least harm," sounds pretty manageable, don't you think?

Okay, so, we've thrown that really popular "law" out the window in one paragraph and started over. Of course, if ALL we do is the least harm, well, that's kind of a low aim, isn't it? And what I do I do when faced with seemingly equally harmless options? How do I decide which is ultimately more valuable? Ah. Which will do the most good, no? How logical! (I do love logic. Too bad there is so little of it in my life!)

So now we have, "Do the least harm, do the most good." Okay, I won't lie, I came up with that one in my late teens, so I'm not exactly shocked at the moment.  You probably aren't either. Warning: I am about say some Naughty Words. Children, pretend you don't know already know them for your parents who are always worrying they are going to screw you up beyond repair, okay? They have enough stress. Really. Trust me. I'm a mom.

Here's the thing. You may not have noticed, but people who do magic SCARE THE FUCK out of people who don't. And those people do things like, you know, kill us. So we have a pretty vested interest in explaining to the antimagical crowd that we AREN'T GOING TO HURT THEM with our mysterious THING. So, although, "Do the most good, do the least harm",  is EMINENTLY sensible, all the very scared people hear is, "But there is  gonna be SOME harm, then, isn't there? OHMYFUCKINGGODTHEY'REGOINGTOKILLINGUSALL!!!!Eleventyone!!! Die, you people doing something we don't understand that are going to HARM US!"

Human beings are lovely creatures in a lot of ways, but we freak the fuck out when we get scared and do some seriously bad stuff. I realize this is not news to you, being human yourselves and hopefully having at least a minimal knowledge of history or even current events, but I'm making a point here. Which is this: We say "do NO harm" because we are interested in, you know, not dying, not because we actually think that's a reasonable idea. So, those of you who are whipping that out every other sentence, calm down about it already.

'Cause here's the other thing, the thing we need to be explaining to everyone else; magic is subject to the same laws of the universe as everything else. Yes, it's kind of mysterious, in the same way that electricity was (and still is, really) kind of mysterious, like fire was mysterious before that. Like electricity is conducted better by some things than other, some things (and people) conduct magic better than others. It's an understanding that is in its infancy at best. And, yes, playing around with things we don't understand can get us (and sometimes others) hurt. So, yes, we should be as careful as we can...but not to the point of not doing it! I don't know about you, but I'm kind of a fan of cooked food and the internet, and if people had left fire and electricity alone, I wouldn't have either. We can take reasonable precautions; not actually intending to do harm, explaining in our spells and rituals that we don't want them to work if it's going to do harm (or at least "a lot of harm") to someone else, things like that.

There are always going to be people who think no risk is a good risk; I'm sure good old Og had good old Oog screaming at him as he put some rocks around the hot thing and stuck tonight's dinner in it, but I'm glad Og ignored him while listening to Oola when she said maybe he should try holding dinner over the hot thing instead of sticking it in, and maybe turn it slowly...man, I'm hungry now.

Peace.

My Season

Fall is here. I always call it "Fall" because it flows more naturally for me than "Autumn", not least because we had a beloved pet canary growing up that was named Autumn, and I always think of him when I use the word, and his death was very sad and, unfortunately, rather traumatizing for the tween-aged me. Fall is now my favorite season. Most of my life, I didn't really have one. I always said it was Spring, because Spring is about beginnings, and I like that idea, but I live in northern Illinois, and, in my lifetime, "Spring" was pretty much the rain that washed the last of the snow away. We had a really long Spring this year, and I did not like it at all, actually. It was too unreliable and confusing! Humph.

But it was years ago, four or five, to be exact, that Fall became my favorite season. The coolness, the color and crunch of leaves...Fall is always seen as an ending, the flip side of Spring, but it is beautiful and rich and there is a warmth of living things cuddling up for Winter that balances the coolness.

I have found, too, that my father comes back to me in the fall. This year, his spirit popped up one day, right about the equinox, and hasn't left yet. He was just helping me shop at this awesome stand I found at a Powwow I went to yesterday. Apparently, he has nothing better to do with his time. No, seriously, I've been thinking about my tattoo lately and apparently he wants me to add something to it. How does one disagree with a beloved dead parent? So figuring that out is on my to-do. (Yes, I do realize that it not normal to have this kind of ongoing relationship with someone who is not actually alive anymore. It is what it is!)

I'm rambling, but I do that, so consider this a "get to know your wise woman" moment. I do have a magical point here; it seems that Fall is my powerful time; my magic is most effective this time of year, to the point that magic just happens more for me during this season. I don't know if it's just me, or if everyone has a "power season".

For many years, in early Summer, I would get the urge to take off for parts unknown. Call it the gypsy in me (there actually is some!), but it was pretty reliable. Then, this year, it didn't happen. But when the weather started to change to Fall, suddenly there it was! So now all of my energies are gathered in one place. For me, this means that I'll probably always be doing the most and my best work in this season. Fortunately, this works for me! So, pay attention as this year turns and see if you have a powerful season.

Each season has its strengths and wonders; Spring with its beginnings, moisture, and tenderness, Summer with its heat, light and riotous growth, Winter with its cold, dark and dormancy, and Fall with its harvests, richness, and sweet, long goodbye.

Time to enjoy the slanting of the light.

Signs, Portents, and Faith

I sometimes worry if I'm going to have something to write about, but so far, the universe has kindly provided me material whenever I asked for it! This week, I'm talking about signs, signs, everywhere signs! (Enjoy the earworm!)

Recently, I thought I was pregnant. I wasn't; in fact, I actually misread the pregnancy test. (My excuse: it has been a long time since I had to take one and in the interim I forgot it was a plus/minus and not a line/no line. Also, I haven't slept through the night more than ten times in over two years. I am not an idiot, I swear! *deep breath*) ANYWAY, I was surprised that I was actually happy at the thought of being pregnant; I've been very, very done since my second son was born. Suddenly, I was downright sad that I wasn't about to have a third child. What the heck? Well, of course, several of my nearest and dearest were also quite excited by the whole thing. My spouse was also suprised by his equanimity in the face of what should, by rights, have felt like a Really Awful Thing. And then, while I had been wondering what would happen, a feather had drifted into my house, which seemed a positive sign to me.

So, all this added up to a question: Should we take this as a sign to try again? It is certainly NOT a logical course of action; we were both utterly content until this came up, my spouse felt like he could easily be utterly content again, we are barely surviving financially as it is, I have a serious feminine health issue that could complicate things...and, btw, we have always struggled with serious infertility and I've had four miscarriages...not to mention that I felt bad about adding to the earth's overpopulation problem to start with! But...

That word can be such a doozy, can't it? But. It felt right. I knew I would always wonder if we didn't try. And then there was the kicker: Did I trust the universe to know what it was doing? (Yes, I don't believe in a sentient, autonomous deity, but I do believe that...everything sort of shapes and affects everything else in these ridiculously complicated and subtle ways that somehow add up to a strange sort of semi-sentient flow of things. Or something. Language has its limits!)

I have been getting a lot of lessons in the value of being open to letting this Other Thing take the lead sometimes. My entire practice as an auspex, as I've mentioned before, is an act of reception and interpretation, of wandering through the darkness, waving my hands around, and trying to sort out the shapes my hands occasionally encounter. Perhaps this was another of those lessons. Perhaps, as I said to my friends, the universe and I needed to work on our trust issues.

So we decided to try; my spouse was willing to jump fully on board if I asked, and we all agreed that trying through the end of the year made perfect sense; this is the time I've gotten pregnant before, this whole thing is about endings and beginnings, real or artificial, and, again, it just felt right.

It's been a week since we stopped preventing. Friday, we took the boys to the zoo. While we were there, every time I stopped and looked down, there was a feather. I didn't feel an urge to pick any of them up until the last one, which was a feather from the body of a peacock. That one, I picked up and put in my pocket, only to discover it had fallen out before I got home, and to feel completely fine with that.

What, then, does this sign mean? Was this the universe telling me that I did the right thing, but that, in the end, I wouldn't be bringing someone home with me? That's what I think it meant, but I won't know till the end of the year if I was right! In the meantime, I am deeply grateful for this lesson in letting go, in letting the magic happen...or not...as it will.

In many ways, I am a deeply logical, skeptical person and there are many, many times when I wonder whether all this is a giant load of meaningless hooey; if I, and many others, are simply using our clever brains to make meaning where none exists. In the end, I freely admit that's entirely possible. If it's ever proved, I'll sure have egg on my face! But...(there's that word again!)...But I can't help, somehow, but believe in these things that have come to me unbidden, unexpected, even unwanted, and bring such joy, purpose, fascination and fulfillment to my life.

I've never been completely without faith; I've always believed in the fundamental goodness of humanity, for example. It seems, however, that I have begun, quite without meaning to, a journey into the heart of faith. I had not fully realized the level of my distrust, and I am finding myself suddenly free of it, and there's nothing I enjoy more than freedom.

This bird's gotta fly.

Cardinals and Ordinals

I admit it, I have a thing for the in-between. It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm rather an in-betweener myself; I'm bisexual, to start with, and I practice magic, but I'm not Wiccan or even really Pagan of any stripe, I'm really more Buddhist than any of those, but I practice magic and I'm from the Western culture, so...you get the idea. I'm rarely pointing true north on anything. Which is why I'm talking this week about the shameful neglect of the ordinal directions.

North, south, east and west are QUITE the big deal in magical circles, but what about the magic inherent in northeast, northwest, southeast and southwest? Sure, without north and west, we wouldn't have northwest, which is where "cardinal" and "ordinal" come in; the latter are dependent on the former. (Yes, I was an English major in college, how DID you guess?) BUT! The whole universe is full of the idea that if one combines two powerful things, one is typically going to get a third thing that is often better or more powerful or even sometimes just wholly different. Shouldn't we be making at least as much use of these fascinating combinations as we do of the single directions themselves?

We combine all that north means to us with all that west means to us, and create a whole new entity. Now, I am personally still trying to settle down on how I match my elements to my directions, but perhaps the most common or classic is earth to the north, fire to the south, water to the west and air to the east. What is earth of the north without the water to the west? A desert! Yet that is not what many of us envision when we face north and entreat the earth; perhaps, after all, we should be facing northwest instead! In the same vein, the fire of the south thrives on the air from the east...if we seek a great conflagration, do we not need both?

Ah, you say, but what about water and fire? Surely the direction of southwest is a useless one! I ask you if you've ever heard of a little thing called the steam engine, or, anticipating your next question, how can earth spread its seeds without the help of air? There is great and unique power in all these in-between places.

We practitioners of magic have long understood the power and magic inherent in the dawn and the dusk, when night and day meet and mingle. It is time we remembered these other places where magic just as powerful and mysterious may be found. The cardinals have their place, no denying, but so, too, do the ordinals, a place that has been largely ignored...until now.

Magic and You.

I have a big post coming, but it's not quite ready yet, so we're keeping it quick and snarky this week. I touched upon "fluffy bunny" magic practitioners in my last post, so I thought I'd make a few statements about what I think about magic and people who engage in it for the right and wrong reasons.

Here are some right reasons:

Magic has presented itself to you in one way or another on a number of occasions. You feel called or invited to practice it. You put thought and research into this, and you know how to take what works and leave what doesn't, which does NOT equal "what I like and what I don't like", and you know the difference.

You make a cool and deliberate choice to practice magic because you want to. You do it in a thoughtful, responsible manner.

Here are an assortment of wrong reasons:

All the cool kids are doing it. (And if all the cool kids jumped off a mountain, would you? Ciao, lemming!)

You want to rebel. (Get over yourself.)

You are pretending to rebel in order to fit in. (That's really sad. Here, have a hug. *hug*)

You want to feel special. (You ARE special. We all are. Or we all aren't. Either way, it's okay.)

You REALLY want to feel OMGSOVERYSPECIAL. (No, really, I mean it.)

You want to be eeeeeville and make lots of money at the expense of others. (Go work in finance, asshole.)

You want to be evil because the universe is a RIP and you want REVENGE! (You need a hug. *hug*)

You want to be evil just because. (Get over yourself.)

(Note: "Evil" often equals "even more maladjusted wanting to be special".)

You read some book and OMGITWASSOPERFECTANDIWILLNOWDOEVERYTHINGITSAYS. (Use your brain, please!)

On a more serious note, if you really, deep down, believe that the practice of magic is wrong or (as we prefer accepting types around here) at least wrong for you, you really shouldn't practice it. Sometimes, even if we want to change how we feel about something, we can't, at least at the speed we might want. The bad vibe will mess up everything you do. Keep working on getting past it, or find the path that's right for you.

Conclusion:

The practice of magic is best reserved for emotionally mature and reasonably (we all have issues, people) well-adjusted individuals, who make a calm, reasonable choice to pursue something that is important to them in a realistic, responsible way. The end.

My, you look...

This week, I take on the topic of familiars. When I was younger, I had a perfect black cat. I spent hours trying to figure out her "secret name", trying to figure out how to access the magic that was clearly, to my young mind, at least, in her head. In the end, though, she was just my beloved cat. She didn't know from or care about magic spells or anything of the sort. I dreamed that she would be my entree into a world of magic and wonder, but the message I really got from her had more to do with cherishing the here and now...though I wouldn't properly learn it for many years.

Few things appeal to fluffy bunny magic practioners more than a familiar...look at the term we use to describe them! Which, of course, makes for a lot of silliness on the topic. So let's focus on the important questions: Can animals enable a connection with magical energy? Of course! And can one animal be particularly good at it? Sure! If you find such an animal and it works with you, can it be considered a familiar? Yes. Is this going to be terribly common? No.  Should you spend an inordinate time looking for such an animal? Well, the "inordinate" is kind of a clue.

We're back to one of the basic things that differentiates people who do and are involved in magic for the right reasons and those who are in it for the wrong reasons. Does the idea of having a familiar make you feel special? Do you secretly fantasize about impressing others with your magical connection to this animal? Then don't even try to find one, because you are completely not ready. Get to know yourself, get to love yourself for who you really are, and then work on reaching out to the world in a confident way, standing the firm ground of real self-esteem rather than an illusion that will slip and slide from under you at the first test.

Now, you've gotten over your Issues and you are out in the world, practicing magic because it is just part of who you are, and maybe a familiar will come to you...or you will find one. In my case, I have yet to have a familiar, although I'm certainly not ruling out the possibility. Should one come along, though, I'm already pretty confident I know how to handle it. The biggest and most important rule is: Don't abuse your familiar! Remember to be graciously thankful for this reliable source of magical help, and don't grow to rely on it to the detriment of the rest of your practice.

In the end, a familiar isn't as important as maintaining your own connection, your own familiarity, with the magical energy itself.

The Importance of Balance

If there's one concept that is central to my life, it's balance. (Ha.) I do firmly believe that "things", for lack of a better word, generally balance out in the end; that, if they aren't, someone or something will act to change that. In my own life, I'm pretty scrupulous about maintaining a healthy balance, including in my magical practices.

You won't see me talk about divination often, because I have another blog for that (which isn't up and running yet), but I'm going to talk a bit about it now. My practice of divination came to me when I was looking to find a working name based on my private name. I divine primarily through a connection with birds. I find this highly amusing, since I was never a bird person and still am not a birder; no life-book for me! In fact, I was always a cat person! (Next week's topic: Familiars!) This is how it began, completely out of my control, and how it has largely remained. Divination is inherently a largely reactive or passive activity. We may start the ball rolling, but what happens isn't up to us. That's largely the point. If it was all in our control, we'd call that "guessing". The whole point of divination is to take ourselves out of the picture a bit and just let the universe squeeze in sideways. We let go of control in order to let the random become orderly; it's balance.

In the same way, my magical practice is largely the opposite of my divination practice. Here is where I am in control. I make it up as I go along. I build the spells and rituals and choose when and how to perform them. I make specific goals and seek to meet them with very little randomness involved. There is a bit, in the same way that there is a bit of control in divination. I know, for example, that it's better if I can find an object already imbued with magical energy rather than try to make one, so I keep an eye out for such things to present themselves. But, once found, they are used however I feel it best to use them for the purposes I have in mind. I take the lead, pursuing the magic rather than waiting for it to come to me.

This is why I have separated the two activities. As an auspex, I am a servant of the universe, and I must maintain that sense of respect and humility. As a wise woman, I am the leader, and I am free to be assertive and even demanding at times...and irreverent.
This, of course, is one of the great balancing acts in my life, and yet another example in a long line that confirms to me the deep, fundamental importance of balance.

Building a Spell

As I mentioned in my last post, I don't believe it's generally a good idea to lift spells wholesale, even from great sources. Magic is highly personal, and spells should be, too. If it doesn't resonate, don't include it. If it does, but only a little, see if you can enhance the resonance or drop it. Only when everything in a spell resonates intensely do you really stand a chance of its working. Magic is very much a guessing game, after all!

Most spells start with a goal in mind. Now, there are exceptions, of course; my own pumpkin ritual started with a magically charged object that I kept waiting around until inspiration struck. But, generally, one starts with a goal. It's important to think about what you are aiming for and hone it down to something very specific. The more clear you can be about what you are asking for, the more concentrated your spell will be. You don't just want money, you want a hundred dollars within two months. How would you like this money to come? Do you want to sell something? What do you want to sell? Don't forget that you still have to do the advertising! You want to win it in a drawing? Well, you have to enter the drawing, then, of course! You want your rich uncle to die and leave it to you. That one's a tad ethically awkward, don't you think?! In each of these cases, the specificity shapes the spell you will ultimately use; you'll want to use correspondences and symbols for selling, good business, profit, etc, for the first, for luck, winning, controlling the random, even, for the second, and, well, you'll be wanting to do a lot of covering your karmic ass for the third! (Don't really ever do that. Even if your uncle is a rat bastard, he probably doesn't actually deserve to die, and while I don't go on about the "three-fold law", yeah, there's a certain "what goes around, comes around" that generally applies to life.

So now you've honed your goal down; you want to sell your bike for $200 in the next month. (Your bike, by the way, is actually worth that much, or at least in the ballpark! If not, you are once again risking bad karma!) The next step is research; you'll be looking up spells and correspondences and symbols that relate to money, selling, bikes, 200, dollars, the time span of a month, and anything else that seems relevant (your location, for example, or successful advertising); this can take some time, but is much faster with the handy-dandy internet and a solid magical library on hand! As you research, make note of things that occur over and over again; these are probably more powerful associations than those you only see in one or two places, although sometimes a more obscure item might simply be overlooked because it's obscure; make sure to look at everything and pay attention to whatever resonates, no matter how often you come across it.

Now, as you go about daily life with this research bubbling in your brain, keep an eye out for magically charged items that might work for this task, both ones deliberately charged and items that just (yes, I'm using this word a lot) resonate for no apparent reason. While you continue to keep an eye out, begin to build a ritual. Everyone is different; I typically find that an overall sketch of what I want to do comes to me first and then I begin filling in the specific wording. Someone else might start with the wording and build from there. Wording, of course, requires as much care as every other step; be specific, and cover yourself on as many negative contingencies as you can. Don't demand, as a general rule, but request.

This is important! Magic is like herding cats through force of will alone, or trying to control water with nothing but your hands. It's tricky business, and involves a lot of careful coaxing and very little rough handling. We are playing around with the equivalent of electricity here, more or less randomly exposing various objects to it to discover what conducts it and what doesn't. This would be why magic is so unreliable and hard to test, at least at this point in our understanding of it. If we are calm and patient, if we are thoughtful and complex, opening as many avenues as possible for the magic to flow, this is when it happens.

Recommended Reading

As you may imagine, I am pretty picky about the books in my magical library. Easily ninety percent of what's on the market doesn't make it past my first cursory examination.

There is one, yes, ONE book that I completely and heartily recommend: The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells: The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts. While I don't agree completely with the author, her views on magic are easily among the closest to my own that I've ever encountered in print. However, that's not the important thing. The important thing is the wide variety of genuine folk magic she managed to gather. People have been messing about with this whatever-it-is for centuries, and, although we don't have a clue why, certain things work often enough that they consistently get passed down. These are the most invaluable bits of information for the current practitioner, and often hard to come by.

Now, in general, I don't advise just living spells wholesale from a book, even my favorite one. Magic is an extremely personal thing, and it's very important that every aspect of a spell or ritual resonate for the person or people performing it. Books should be used as a reference source, and I have found a few more that I find useful for this purpose.

Grimoire for the Green Witch: A Complete Book of Shadows, while quite modern Wiccan, is a highly accessible collection of data. Chapters one and eight are by far the most useful.

The Encyclopedia of Natural Magic is another good, solid reference work, full of well-researched and useful practical information.

Now, plants are a huge part of magical practice; there are few easier ways to connect with the web of existence! While the previous books cover plants very well, this is an area where a practitioner really needs detailed resources. For many, the best book on this topic is Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs (Cunningham's Encyclopedia Series), and, in a rare moment, I generally agree that nothing else does the job better. However, it has one flaw; those darn drawings! I find drawings of plants to be very difficult to translate when looking at actual plant life, so I also own the Complete Illustrated Encyclopedia of Magical Plants; this book is full of actual photos! Yay! These two books are best used in conjunction to get a more complete view of those plants they have in common.

Now, I'm always on the lookout for a good book, so I hope that over time my magical library will expand (and I didn't cover my divination library), but, for right now, these are the books on my shelf. What's on yours?